Obama Tries to Become a Walking Green Card in the Philippines - A Fractured Fairy Tale
By Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
DonaldHendon.com
Last week, Obama was bored as hell in Japan, South
Korea, and Malaysia. He was
really
looking forward to visiting the Philippines on
Sunday, though. His National Security Agency told
him that Filipinos
love
Americanos. They got that information from Don
Hendon’s e-mails. They had been intercepting Dr.
Hendon’s e-mails, ever since he started writing his
award-winning series of
Fractured
Fairy Tales. They showed Obama an e-mail
which said that Don was a “walking green card”
whenever he was walked down M. H. del Pilar Street
in Manila’s tourist belt area, Ermita. Pretty
Filipinas would look at him, lick their lips, and
say “Sarap!” (Sarap means yum-yum in Tagalog.)
And that’s why Obama decided to increase the US
military presence in the Philippines. He wanted to
go to Manila and see people lick their lips and say
“Sarap” when they looked at him, too. So he signed a
10-year deal with the Philippine government on April
28, 2014. Called the Enhanced Defense Cooperation
Agreement, it gave the US a lot more access to
military bases there. After quickly signing the
agreement, he and his entourage went to the US
Embassy on Roxas Boulevard. He put on a disguise and
walked four blocks to the corner of M. H. Del Pilar
and Padre Faura in the Ermita district. His Security
people followed him at a discreet distance. He
walked past the Hobbit House and G-Point Night
Clubs, and the La Corona Hotel. Then he went a block
away and started walking down Mabini Street.
Lots of pretty Filipinas were walking by, but nobody
looked at him and smiled. In fact, when they saw
him, they actually seemed a little frightened.
Eventually, he went back to M. H. Del Pilar Street
and went into the L. A. Nites Club, a big pick-up
spot. Over a beer with some of the guys, he learned
that Filipinas were afraid of people with dark skin.
Especially if they had big ears and a phony-looking
smile!
So he decided to hit the gay bars in Ermita instead.
He went into the Boy Next Door on Mabini Street and
The Library on Adriatico Street. Same thing. None of
the gay guys there licked their lips and said
“Sarap.” They seemed to be avoiding him.
He was so depressed, he walked back to the Embassy,
and his Security people took him back to Air Force
One. En route back to the US, he started talking to
his “speshul-weshul” guy, Kal Penn, his former White
House Director of
Pubic
Engagement, who accompanied him on all of his trips.
Oh-bummer: I’m so depressed. I was really looking
forward to seeing hot sexy Filipina gals and
Filipino guys look at me, lick their lips, and say
“Sarap.” What should I do, Kal? Give me some advice,
please.
Kal: Say pretty-please, and I’ll tell you.
Oh-bummer: Pretty please.
Kal: Well, you’ve been depressed a lot lately. The
oh-bummer jokes are getting worse and worse. While I
was waiting for you to get back on the plane, your
Security detail spent all their time telling
Oh-bummer jokes.
Oh-bummer interrupts: Tell me a couple of Oh-bummer
jokes. You know I’m a masochist at heart. I love to
have you tie my hands and feet to the bedposts and
tell me all the bad things people are saying about
me.
Kal: OK, here’s a couple: “Your face will never be
on US currency. But it’s gonna be on the Food Stamp
Card.” And, “Why won’t you release your
real birth certificate?”
Oh-bummer: Don’t tell me. I know the answer to that
one. It’s because I accidentally smoked it.
Kal: Right! And you
should
be depressed! Your popularity rating is in the
toilet! Your stupid policies are ruining the US! You
fundamentally changed the country—for the worse! And
you’ll probably get sent to prison for all the
crimes you’ve committed in office! Why don’t you
just cut a plea with the Justice Department and
resign before you get arrested?
Oh-bummer objects and says, “Kal, you’re wrong. Long
after I’m gone, future generations look back and
know of the mark I made on the world.”
Kal: You’re confusing
mark
with stain.
Oh-bummer looks shocked. Then he asks Kal, “What
should I do?”
Kal: Do what Jesse Jackson Jr. did.
Oh-bummer: You mean that congressman from Illinois?
The guy who’s in jail for 2-1/2 years for illegally
spending $750,000 in campaign funds on personal
items? He’s a small-timer! I’ve stolen
a lot
more than $750,000!
Kal: Yeah, everybody knows you’re a bigger crook
than Jackson! But you shouldn’t brag about it!
You’ll just make things worse! Anyway, just before
Jackson was sentenced to prison, he faked a “mood
disorder.” He had no history of mental illness
during his 17 years in congress. Suddenly having a
mood disorder just before he got sentenced gave him
$8,700 a month in government disability pay, as well
as a partial congressional pension of $45,000.
Oh-bummer: Hey, Kal, that’s a great idea! Let me do
the arithmetic.
After 30 minutes of trying to figure it out,
Oh-bummer gives up. Kal, as usual, comes to the
rescue and says: That’s 8,700 x 12 = 104,400 +
45,000 = $149,400 a year for the rest of Jesse’s
life!
Oh-bummer: Wow! Is this a great country, or what!
Kal: Yeah, especially if you work for the IRS.
Oh-bummer: What do you mean?
Kal: Well, when people cheat on their taxes, they
get put into prison. When an IRS employee cheats on
his taxes, he gets a
bonus!
Oh-bummer: Just like I said—is this a great country,
or what!
Copyright (c) 2014
Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker,
trainer, and author of 14 books, including
The Way of
the Warrior in Business,
Guerrilla
Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and
365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed
away. He specifically chose Don to be his final
co-author—the person most qualified to carry the
torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century.
Deal-Making
contains the 100 most powerful tactics from
365
Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning
countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics,
92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16
submissive ones to get what you want from other
people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31
tactics to prepare you for your interaction with
them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at
www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online
Negotiation Poker game by going to
GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.