By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

It’s April 2013. Late at night. Michelle and Barack are getting ready to go to bed. Standing nude in front of a mirror, she says to her husband, “I look horrible. My ass is too big, and my breasts are sagging. I feel fat and ugly. Give me a compliment.” Barry replied, “OK. Your eyesight is perfect.”

After getting kicked out of the bedroom, Barry calls up his speshul-weshul guy Kal Penn for consolation. Kal shows up with a newspaper clipping.

Kal: Look at this. Bill Gates is having a condom contest.

Barry: What kind of a contest?

Kal: The Gates Foundation just came up with a contest to create a condom that would actually increase pleasure—a condom that men would actually look forward to using. The winners will get $100,000. I could use the money!

Barry: That sounds like a good idea. Let’s brainstorm.

Kal: We both like bacon. Let’s come up with a condom that smells and tastes like bacon.

Barry: Let’s increase our chances of winning. Let’s send in 57 entries, one for each state.

And so they did. Barry anxiously awaited the results. He was on pins and needles for six months. 

Speshul-weshul guy Kal finally breaks the bad news to Obama just a week before Thanksgiving. It’s November 23, late at night. Kal and Obama are alone in a bedroom in the White House. Kal is crying when he tells him. Obama feels bad and gives Kal $100,000 out of his slush fund. And then he sweetens the deal:

Barry: Don’t feel so bad, Kal. I’m gonna take you with me on my next fundraising trip. Tomorrow, we’re going to Seattle, San Francisco, and Los Angeles.

Kal: Thanks, buddy. How many fundraising trips does this make, anyway?

Barry: This will be number 124. I’m proud to say that I’ve had more fundraisers than the last five presidents combined—Clinton, Jimmy Carter, and the two Bushes. But I’m worried.

Kal: Why’s that?

Barry: My popularity is in the toilet. And so, ticket sales are slow. They had to cut the price from $1,000 to $500 in San Francisco. And Gentlemen’s Quarterly magazine named me one of the 25 least influential people of 2013. It was so embarrassing to be even in the same company as Alex Rodriguez, Lady Gaga, Anthony Weiner, and Miley Cyrus.

Kal: Well, cutting the price makes sense. You’re even more unpopular than Jimmy Carter was—even in Nancy Pelosi’s backyard, San Francisco! And the latest poll from the Washington Post says Romney would beat you today, 49% to 45%.

Barry, sobbing: Yeah. Well, at least I broke Clinton’s record.

Kal: What record was that? 

Barry: I lied more in one day than Bill did in eight years!

Kal: You should be proud of breaking Bill’s record. I know I’d be proud.

Barry: I can’t stand that guy Clinton. Hillary’s butler told me what Bill said about my phony birth certificate.

Kal: What did he say?

Barry: He said, “Obama’s birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.” Anyway, let’s not talk about condoms anymore. Let’s use them!

Obama wakes up the next morning, physically exhausted. He seems to remember he and Kal went partying at a few gay bars in Georgetown. And playing the “Knockout Game” at one of the roughest neighborhoods in Washington, 14th and U, Northwest. He looks around and realizes he’s in bed next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realizes he had made it home safely. He breathes a sigh of relief.

Then he thinks to himself: “I want more company on his plane trip to the west coast than just Michelle, the kids, and Kal.”

So he calls up ex-San Diego mayor Bob “The Groper” Filner, and four serial cheaters—Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Anthony Weiner, and Eliot Spitzer. They all say yes.

But he’s still not satisfied. He tells Michelle, “I need more people on the trip with me.”

Michelle: Why don’t you ask a Republican for a change?  

Barry: That’s a great idea! I think I’ll invite that Florida congressman who pleaded guilty to possessing cocaine. I’ve got a lot in common with him. What’s his name?

Michelle: Henry Radel. But he uses his nickname, “Trey.”

Barry: Are you sure you’re not thinking about that congressman from South Carolina, Trey Gowdy? That guy hates my guts! He’s always on Fox News saying bad things about me.

Michelle: Well, both names are weird, but you’ll have more in common with Trey Radel than you will with Trey Gowdy. You can compare your cocaine experiences.

Barry: Yeah, and I think I’ll bring that fat mayor from Toronto with me. He smokes crack, too. What’s his name?

Michelle: Rob Ford. Hey, you’re even more unpopular than he is. 42 percent of Canadians approve of him, and only 39 percent of Americans approve of you.

What’s going to happen next, dear readers? Here’s a hint: Obama and his cronies go to San Francisco and descend on Victoria’s Secret. Watch for the story, coming tomorrow!

Copyright (c) 2013 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon