In God We Trust

Obama Becomes God, Destroys Three Civilizations, then Meets Ayn Rand--Part 2

 

By Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

In yesterday’s fractured fairy tale, Michelle Obama, very depressed at hitting the half-century mark, tells Barack she’s divorcing him and kicks him out of the White House bedroom. Celebrating his good luck, he and his speshul-weshul guy Kal Penn cuddle and fall asleep watching an episode of Futurama on the Comedy Channel. Barack dreams he’s the robot Bender, the star of Futurama. He’s flung into deep outer space and destroys two civilizations because of his greed and incompetence. He finally encounters God in deepest outer space. God looks and sounds like Ayn Rand. Here’s the rest of the story:

Barack Bender, puzzled: What are you, some kind of galactic computer?

God: It’s possible. I’m user-friendly, my good chum.

Bee-Bee (Barack Bender): Who built you?

God: I have always been.

Bee-Bee: Oh my God!  Are you God?

God: It’s possible. I do feel compassion for all living things, my good chum. Do you?

Bee-Bee: No, I’m selfish as hell. I just care about myself.

God: Selfish as hell. And it looks like you’ll be going to hell—and soon!

Bee-Bee gets a shiver up his metal back. He pauses, then says to God: But why would God think in binary? Unless you’re not God but the remains of a computerized space probe that collided with God.

God: That seems probable.

Bee-Bee: So do you know what I’m going to do before I do it?

God: Yes. 

Bee-Bee: But what if I do something different?

God: Then I don’t know that.

Bee-Bee: I’ll bet a lot of people pray to YOU, huh?

God: Yes, but there are so many, asking so much. After a while, you just sort of tune it out. 

Bee-Bee:  You know, I was God once. In fact, I used to be President of the United States on my home planet, Earth. I was even more powerful back home than you.

God: Yes, you were powerful on earth—but not as powerful as me! And I saw you drifting in space. You were doing well until everyone died.

Bee-Bee: It was awful. I tried helping them. I tried NOT helping them. But in the end, I couldn’t do them any good. Do you think what I did was wrong?

God: Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do.

Bee-Bee: Yeah, I know. That’s why I asked if what…aw, forget it.

God: Bee-Bee, being God isn’t easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on your. And if you to nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch, like a safecracker, or a pickpocket.

Bee-Bee: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money.

God: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all!

Bee-Bee: I don’t like that. I want to get all the credit. My ego’s really that big!  

He goes on: Does that mean you wouldn’t send me back to Earth? Even if I prayed to you?

God: Earth? Which way is that?

Bee-Bee:  I don’t know.

At that moment, the probe launched by Naughty Nancy Pelosi and Dirty Harry Reid finally reaches God. God mumbles, “Huh.”

Bee-Bee: “You say something?

God: “No, no. Well, so long. Remember what we talked about.”

God flings Bee-Bee back to Earth, where he’s reunited with Naughty Nancy and Dirty Harry on the Planet Express spaceship.

Barack wakes up in Kal Penn’s warm muscular arms. He thinks to himself, “Gee, God is such an idiot! My huge ego won’t let me follow his advice. I want to take all the credit.”

Eventually, Barack’s policies ruin the US, just like it ruined Clueless Joe’s civilization and the civilization on Bee-Bee’s shiny armor ass. The US collapses. Chaos results. And the bad guys take over.

Don Hendon: Ayn Rand, where are you when we need you?

Copyright (c) 2014


 

Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 12 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.