In God We Trust

Obama Becomes God, Destroys Three Civilizations, then Meets Ayn Rand--Part 1

 

By Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

Very, very depressed at hitting the half century mark, Michelle kicks Barack out of the bedroom the night before her 50th birthday. She tells him she’s getting a divorce. (A future fractured fairy tale is all about this. Watch for it!) Barack tries to hide his joy at finally getting rid of her, so he hides his usual phony Jimmy Carter smile. He celebrates by calling up his speshul-weshul guy, actor Kal Penn, whom he made director of the White House Office of Pubic Engagement. They start watching the Comedy Channel. Futurama comes on. They watch it and fall asleep together. Barack dreams he’s the robot Bender. Here’s his dream:

One day in outer space, when Planet Express is making a delivery, pirates attack the Planet Express ship. There’s lots of noise. Barack Bender—let’s call him Bee-Bee from now on—gets away from the noise by taking a nap in Torpedo Bay 3. Naughty Nancy Pelosi, the ship captain, and her assistant, Dirty Harry Reid, don’t know he’s there, and they shoot torpedoes at the pirates. Bee-Bee is ejected from the torpedo bay and drifts through space. Naughty Nancy and Dirty Harry can’t catch up to him. He passes through one galaxy after another. 

Bee-Bee comes to an asteroid belt. One of the asteroids hits him in the belly. It contains a civilization. It grows and develops on his belly. The small humanoids see him and begin to worship him as God.  “Gee, what a great dream this is,” he thinks to himself. Bee-Bee befriends their leader Clueless Joe Biden and issues one commandment, not ten. It’ has only five words: “God needs booze and marijuana.” They build him a brewery. Most people are injured badly in building it. Others die from the noxious fumes from the brewery, which pollute the environment. The liquor industry attracts organized crime. The population decreases dramatically.

Bee-Bee doesn’t care. He’s always drunk and high. After all, he said in January 2014, “Pot is not any more dangerous than alcohol.” Then he catches a cold and sneezes. His snot causes floods, and more people die. Saying “This is a job for God,” he saves one of them from the flood waters. The survivors to start chanting loudly to their black God for their own miracles. But there are too many prayers for him to pay attention to. He asks Clueless Joe for advice: “What are they praying for?”

Clueless Joe says “This village is praying for wealth.” Bee-Bee flips down a coin, flattens the village, killing everybody. Clueless Joe then says “The farmers are praying for sunlight so that the barley might make a more refreshing beer for today’s God on the go.” Bee-Bee focuses the rays of a nearby sun on the fields, causing fires, killing more people. He tries to blow the fire out with his breath, creating a huge windstorm, blowing people into outer space, destroying the rest of the village.  

Then, Clueless Joe says “The infidels on your butt don’t believe in you anymore. They say their prayers have gone unanswered.” Bee-Bee replies “Of course they’re unanswered.  How can I hear prayers coming out of my shiny armor ass?” Clueless Joe goes on: “They talk of war against the faithful—us. Please rise up against them. Smite someone who deserves it for once.”  

Bee-Bee thinks to himself, “Gee, every time I—their government—interfere, I only make things worse. People are better off solving their own problems.”

Time passes. Warships from the civilization on Bee-Bee’s butt drop nuclear bombs on the people on his belly—the civilization with Clueless Joe Biden.  Bee-Bee says “Gee, the nonbelievers must have discovered my nuclear piles.”

Clueless Joe: “We’ll solve our problems by converting nonbelievers—TO NUCLEAR VAPOR!” All-out war begins. Shortly, everybody’s dead on both sides. Sadly, Bee-Bee thinks, “Who would have known playing God would have such terrible consequences?” 

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Naughty Nancy Pelosi and Dirty Harry Reid start sending probes to all sections of the universe to try and find their beloved  Bee-Bee and bring him back home. But Bee-Bee keeps traveling through space. Then, he gets to a galaxy which is signaling him.

Bee-Bee thinks: “That galaxy’s signaling me in binary.” He shouts “Do you speak English?”

(The galaxy is actually the REAL God. God is female and looks—and thinks—like Ayn Rand.)

God stops using binary and responds in English: “I do now.” God draws Bee-Bee closer. Here’s the rest of the dialog between them. (You’ll read it tomorrow, right here on StupidFrogs.org.)

Copyright (c) 2014


 

Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 12 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.