In God We Trust

Nasty Nance Pelosi Tries to Beat Up Congressman Tom Marino After Her 93rd Face-Lift - A Fractured Fairy Tale

 

By Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

It was Friday afternoon, August 1, 2014, and Nasty Nancy Pelosi was relaxing at home. October and November, the sexy twin brothers from the Philippines who were her servants, were giving her a massage October was in front, November in back. . All of a sudden, their sisters, triplets April, May, and June, burst into the room.  April said, “Ma’am, you need to get to the Capitol right away. A Republican, Tom Marino, that Pennsylvania Congressman you hate so much, is talking about immigration and illegal immigrants.” May said, “Yes, ma’am, all five of us are illegal, and we don’t want to be deported.” 

Nasty Nancy didn’t want another scandal. Nobody knew her five Filipino slaves were illegal—yet! So she put on her flip-flops and October drove her to the Capitol in her Rolls Royce limousine. She was in more of a bitchy mood than usual. She didn’t want to see John Boehner, the guy who replaced her as Speaker in 2012. He put the House on a five-day work week. She thought, “When I was Speaker, life was more civilized. I made sure we only worked one day a week—on Wednesday.”

Nasty Nancy was not only in a bitchy mood, she was also very depressed. Last night, her doctor had just performed her 93rd facelift—one for each year she has been on earth. (She had bribed Wikipedia to say she was only 74.) Her latest face-lift hurt like hell, and she wondered how many years she had left. She had been depressed since watching the Hot in Cleveland TV special on Wednesday. It was a cartoon for a change. It was the only time in the last year she had seen Betty White walking. Betty, who is 93, just like Nancy, is in such bad shape that she’s always filmed sitting down.

Arriving at the Capitol, she hobbled out of her limo, adjusted her flip-flops, and went to the House floor. She thought to herself, “I’m going to do something that tells the world that I’m still in good physical shape—not like Betty White. I think I’ll pick a fight with some tall, handsome, macho Republican.” She remembered with fondness telling Karl Rove—definitely not a macho guy—that she’d arrest him if he ever stepped foot in the Capitol. She warned him, “There’s a prison here in the Capitol.” That was in 2012. Then, she remembered that Rove retaliated by called her the Mad Red Queen, right out of Alice in Wonderland. She got madder and madder. Her face was sweating so much, she was afraid her latest facelift would disappear.

And so when Tom Marino, the tall Pennsylvania congressman, started blaming the Democrats for screwing up the issue of illegal immigrants, Nasty Nancy got her chance. She raced across the aisle so fast, she lost her flip-flops. She was itching to do battle. When she got to the middle of the aisle, warm memories flooded back. She remembered doing it with congressmen from both sides of the aisle—and doing it in the middle of the aisle. So she wagged her scrawny 93-year old fingers with peeling green nail polish, in Tom’s face. He was afraid she’d try and scratch his eyes out, so he moved back.

Nasty Nancy yelled at him, “You goddamned liar! You insignificant piece of shit! What do you mean, we Democrats screwed up the issue of illegal immigrants?” Then, she jumped on top of him, knocked his eyeglasses off, and started to try to pull his hair off his head. After she bit him on the ear, drawing blood, Marino backed away. He was afraid of getting hepatitis from the Wicked Witch of the West.

Nasty Nancy started chasing him, limping badly. Tom didn’t want to hit such an elderly—and repulsive—woman, especially one with one foot in the grave. Eventually, Nancy ran out of breath, and started gasping. October and November carried her back to her Rolls Royce, where April, May, and June were waiting.

Reporters followed her, asking her questions. She lied as usual, saying that Tom Marino had apologized to her for telling the truth—that the Democrats had screwed up the illegal alien situation when she was Speaker. She tried to smile her usual phony Jimmy Carter-like smile, and that’s when her face-lift broke. The right side of her face didn’t match the left side of her face anymore. She started crying when an older reporter told her she reminded him of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. (The hero of this 1939 movie was a disfigured hunchback named Quasimodo.)

When the reporters started asking if her five Filipino slaves were illegal aliens, Nasty Nancy broke down and started crying like a baby. So instead of going home, her Rolls Royce brought her to George Washington University Hospital. She collapsed on the operating table.

How’s that for a happy ending, folks?

Note to readers: When I was a student in the early 1960s at the University of California at Berkeley, I dated several sexy gals in San Francisco. One of them looked very much like Nasty Nancy. I googled her, and found out that the former Nancy D’Alesandro didn’t move from Baltimore to the Bay Area until 1969. Thank God! I could have gotten hepatitis by doing the nasty boom-boom with Nasty Nancy!

Copyright (c) 2014


 

Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to  carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.