Nasty Nance Pelosi Tries to Beat Up Congressman Tom Marino After Her 93rd Face-Lift - A Fractured Fairy Tale
By Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
DonaldHendon.com
It was Friday afternoon, August 1, 2014, and Nasty
Nancy Pelosi was relaxing at home. October and
November, the sexy twin brothers from the
Philippines who were her servants, were giving her a
massage October was in front, November in back. .
All of a sudden, their sisters, triplets April, May,
and June, burst into the room.
April said, “Ma’am, you need to get to the
Capitol right away. A Republican, Tom Marino, that
Pennsylvania Congressman you hate so much, is
talking about immigration and illegal immigrants.”
May said, “Yes, ma’am, all five of us are illegal,
and we don’t want to be deported.”
Nasty Nancy didn’t want another scandal. Nobody knew
her five Filipino slaves were illegal—yet!
So she put on her flip-flops and October drove her
to the Capitol in her Rolls Royce limousine. She was
in more of a bitchy mood than usual. She didn’t want
to see John Boehner, the guy who replaced her as
Speaker in 2012. He put the House on a five-day work
week. She thought, “When I was Speaker, life was
more civilized. I made sure we only worked one day a
week—on Wednesday.”
Nasty Nancy was not only in a bitchy mood, she was
also very depressed. Last night, her doctor had just
performed her 93rd facelift—one for each year she
has been on earth. (She had bribed Wikipedia to say
she was only 74.) Her latest face-lift hurt like
hell, and she wondered how many years she had left.
She had been depressed since watching the
Hot in
Cleveland TV special on Wednesday. It was a
cartoon for a change. It was the only time in the
last year she had seen Betty White walking. Betty,
who is 93, just like Nancy, is in such bad shape
that she’s always filmed sitting down.
Arriving at the Capitol, she hobbled out of her
limo, adjusted her flip-flops, and went to the House
floor. She thought to herself, “I’m going to do
something that tells the world that I’m still in
good physical shape—not like Betty White. I think
I’ll pick a fight with some tall, handsome, macho
Republican.” She remembered with fondness telling
Karl Rove—definitely not a macho guy—that she’d
arrest him if he ever stepped foot in the Capitol.
She warned him, “There’s a prison here in the
Capitol.” That was in 2012. Then, she remembered
that Rove retaliated by called her the Mad Red
Queen, right out of Alice in Wonderland. She got
madder and madder. Her face was sweating so much,
she was afraid her latest facelift would disappear.
And so when Tom Marino, the tall Pennsylvania
congressman, started blaming the Democrats for
screwing up the issue of illegal immigrants, Nasty
Nancy got her chance. She raced across the aisle so
fast, she lost her flip-flops. She was itching to do
battle. When she got to the middle of the aisle,
warm memories flooded back. She remembered doing it
with congressmen from both sides of the aisle—and
doing it in the
middle of
the aisle. So she wagged her scrawny 93-year old
fingers with peeling green nail polish, in Tom’s
face. He was afraid she’d try and scratch his eyes
out, so he moved back.
Nasty Nancy yelled at him, “You goddamned liar! You
insignificant piece of shit! What do you mean, we
Democrats screwed up the issue of illegal
immigrants?” Then, she jumped on top of him, knocked
his eyeglasses off, and started to try to pull his
hair off his head. After she bit him on the ear,
drawing blood, Marino backed away. He was afraid of
getting hepatitis from the Wicked Witch of the West.
Nasty Nancy started chasing him, limping badly. Tom
didn’t want to hit such an elderly—and
repulsive—woman, especially one with one foot in the
grave. Eventually, Nancy ran out of breath, and
started gasping. October and November carried her
back to her Rolls Royce, where April, May, and June
were waiting.
Reporters followed her, asking her questions. She
lied as usual, saying that Tom Marino had apologized
to her for telling the truth—that the Democrats had
screwed up the illegal alien situation when she was
Speaker. She tried to smile her usual phony Jimmy
Carter-like smile, and that’s when her face-lift
broke. The right side of her face didn’t match the
left side of her face anymore. She started crying
when an older reporter told her she reminded him of
The Hunchback of Notre Dame. (The hero of this 1939
movie was a disfigured hunchback named Quasimodo.)
When the reporters started asking if her five
Filipino slaves were illegal aliens, Nasty Nancy
broke down and started crying like a baby. So
instead of going home, her Rolls Royce brought her
to George Washington University Hospital. She
collapsed on the operating table.
How’s that
for a happy ending, folks?
Note to readers:
When I was a student in the early 1960s at the
University of California at Berkeley, I dated
several sexy gals in San Francisco. One of them
looked very much like Nasty Nancy. I googled her,
and found out that the former Nancy D’Alesandro
didn’t move from Baltimore to the Bay Area until
1969. Thank God! I could have gotten hepatitis by
doing the nasty boom-boom with Nasty Nancy!
Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a
consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14
books, including
The Way of
the Warrior in Business,
Guerrilla
Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and
365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed
away. He specifically chose Don to be his final
co-author—the person most qualified to
carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into
the 21st century.
Deal-Making
contains the 100 most powerful tactics from
365
Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning
countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics,
92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16
submissive ones to get what you want from other
people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31
tactics to prepare you for your interaction with
them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at
www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online
Negotiation Poker game by going to
GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.