In God We Trust

Horrible Hillary’s Magic Pantsuit: A Fractured Fairy Tale

 

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

That nasty Clinton couple everybody loves to hate, Horny Bill and Horrible Hillary, were arguing as usual. This time, though, it wasn’t about Bill’s womanizing. The tables were turned. Bill was nagging her about her e-mail fiasco. Here’s how it went:

Bill: You’re so stupid, Hilly-baby! Everybody—even Clueless Joe Biden—knows you can have more than one e-mail account on your iPhone. You don’t have to carry around one iPhone for each e-mail account! What a stupid excuse!

Hillary: Well, duh! Of course, I knew that. I’m a hell of a lot smarter than you, you Arkansas hillbilly. I lied. And I learned to lie from the expert!

Bill: And who’s that, Miss Chicago of 1941?

Hillary: You, you idiot! Your lies over the years have been so stupid. Like “I didn’t inhale.”

Bill: Well, it all depends on what the meaning of the word “is” is.

Hillary: That doesn’t work anymore, you idiot! Monica Lewinsky is old news! You make me sick!

Bill: Monica’s a lot better looking than you, you old hag. And you’re a lot more stupid than me! You should have known that you needed a government e-mail address when you were Secretary of State! Why the hell did you do everything on your private e-mail address? That was just asking for trouble!

Hillary: Well, at least my private e-mail address, Hillary@FirstLady.com, sounds dignified. Your e-mail address isn’t.

Bill: What’s wrong with HornDog@NaughtyWaffleHouseWaitresses.com? And, by the way, smarty-pants, I’ve only sent 2 e-mail messages in my life. One to Monica, and the other to our secret love child, Cheesy.

Hillary slapped the horny Horn Dog, walked to her private bedroom and went to sleep. She had two dreams. Here’s the first one: 

She dreamed that Obama was president in 1941. He was holding a press conference the day after the Pearl Harbor bombing. Here’s what he said:

Obama: Yesterday, Dec 7, 1941, was a rough day.

Reporter Rush Limbaugh: How rough was it, Barry-baby? Did it live in infamy?

Obama: Well, a few bad guys from another country randomly attacked some folks in Hawaii who were on some boats. The important thing is that Michelle and my dog weren’t there.

Limaugh: Which country?

Obama: Doesn’t matter which one.

Limbaugh: What’cha gonna do about it?

Obama: Well, before I get all uppity about this, I’ve got to remind you that we have attacked people before. It’s up to us to find out what we did to make them mad.

Limbaugh: That’s not enough.

Obama: Don’t interrupt me. I’m not finished. Next month, I’m gonna hold a seminar at the Black House…I mean the White House…to give job opportunities for kamikaze pilots. That will give them other things to do.

Limbaugh: You mean you aren’t gonna declare war on Japan?

Obama: Hell, no. It wasn’t an entire country that bombed that small island in the Pacific. Just a few guys in some old airplanes. They can lead productive lives if we can give them good job training.

Here’s Hillary’s second dream:

Hillary’s 63,000 e-mails from her days as Secretary of State started flying around in the air, attacking her like kamikaze pilots. They suddenly disappeared, and the ghost of Richard Nixon showed up. He said, “Watch out, Hilly-baby. I deleted 18-1/2 minutes of my tape recordings and had to resign as President. You destroyed 32,000 of those 63,000 e-mails. You called them ‘private and personal.’ That’s a lot worse than I ever did!”

Hillary: Well, 22,000 of those 32,000 personal e-mails were spams from Old Navy.

Nixon: I was wondering where you bought your ugly pantsuits.

Hillary: Well, I don’t shop there anymore. One night my fairy godmother, Nasty Nancy Pelosi, made me a magic pantsuit. I wear it all the time now.

Nixon: Why is it magic?

Hillary: Well, it changes color every day. It’s so thick, you can’t hear me when I fart—or smell me, either. And it has 1,000 pockets. I carry around an iPhone in each pocket. One for each of my 1,000 e-mail accounts. All I do is say the e-mail address and click my ruby slippers three times, and the correct iPhone flies into my hands. It’s magic! Just like my magic days as Senator and Secretary of State!

Nixon: Hey, stupid, don’t you know you can have many e-mail accounts on one i-Phone?

Hillary: You’re the stupid one. You don’t know that! You died in 1994, before the internet even started!

Nixon’s ghost disappears and General David Petraeus shows up, with his girlfriend Paula Broadwell.

Petraeus: Here’s some advice, Hilly-baby. Wanna keep all your e-mails secret? Here’s how to do it: Just have one e-mail account. Paula and I have the same e-mail account. And we share the same password. When we finish writing an e-mail, we just put it into the “Drafts” folder. We don’t send it. All we had to do is open the “Drafts” folder.

Hillary woke up, smiling. But she was in a cold sweat. Why? Find out in my next Fractured Fairy Tale!

Copyright (c) 2015 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon


 

Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including Fractured Fairy Tales, published last year by Spectrum Books. Look for it on Amazon.com and at Barnes & Noble and other book stores. He’s also written sevreal business books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to  carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.