In God We Trust

Donald Sterling, Tingle Pants, Doritos, and Pepsi Max - A Fractured Fairy Tale

 

By Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

Here’s a very complicated preamble to this fractured fairy tale:

Rochelle Sterling (better known as Shelly) was pissed off that her 80-year old billionaire husband Donald, the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers basketball team. Why? Because she found out he was having an affair with a 31-year old hottie named Vee Stiviano. So Shelly sued Vee in March, charging that Donald gave her 4 luxury cars, $240,000 in cash, and a house worth $1.8 million.  Shelly put a lien on her house and cancelled her access to the luxury suite she used to watch the Clippers games. Vee found out she couldn’t use her luxury suite anymore when a Clippers employee sent her a text message. She decided to get even. Here’s how:

A few weeks earlier, Donald Sterling got very upset at Vee for posting a photo on Instagram of herself and Magic Johnson, a black who was a super-star when he played for the Los Angeles Lakers in the 1980s. She often recorded Sterling on her iPhone. Why? To teach him how poorly he came across at times—at least that what she told the Los Angeles Times newspaper. So Vee recorded an argument she had with Sterling in September 2013—the one where he told her he didn’t want her associating with blacks, especially Magic Johnson. He made nasty remarks about black people in general. She gave the copies of the recording to a few friends for “safekeeping.”  

Eventually, the recording fell into the hands of TMZ, the celebrity gossip-entertainment news website and TV show. Somebody called 888-847-9869, their tip hotline and gave them the recording. TMZ posted it, and the shit immediately hit the fan. The National Basketball Association fined Donald Sterling $2.5 million, banned him for life from pro basketball, and asked other owners to make him sell his team. Instead, he transferred ownership to his wife Shelly.

Well, the complicated preamble is over. Now, as Vee said, “Let the games begin.”

Donald and Shelly were talking about how to get out of the huge mess.

Donald: What am I gonna do, Shelly? I transferred ownership of the Clippers to you because I want to keep the team in the family. I trust you.

Shelly: Donnie, you’ve made a lot of mistakes before, but this was the biggest. I told you that Vee was big trouble! Why the hell did you tell her not to associate with blacks in the first place? You knew she was half-black and half-Mexican, and that her real name is Maria Vanessa Perez.

Donald: Yeah, that was stupid of me!

Shelly: It’s so stupid that Don Hendon is including you in his next book, Dumb, Dumber, Dumber-est: The Stupidest Business Mistakes Ever Made.

Donald: Yeah, I’ve heard of Hendon. I’ve read three of his books, Guerrilla Deal-Making, The Way of the Warrior in Business, and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. They’re all pretty good. But how do you know that I’m in his next book on dumb business mistakes?

Shelly, smiling: I’ve got my ways. After all, I found out about you and Vee pretty fast, didn’t I? 

Donald: That’s because you know me so well. After all, we’ve been happily married since 1955—the year before Elvis recorded Heartbreak Hotel. What did Don Hendon say about the stupid mistake I made by talking about blacks in front of Vee?

Shelly: Same old, same old. You’re in Chapter 7, “Really Funny Dumb Mistakes.”

Donald: I don’t think my mistake was funny. It was pathetic. But I need cheering up. Tell me some of the funny mistakes in Don Hendon’s book.

Shelly: OK. Here’s one of them. Ever hear of Tingle Pants?

Donald: Nope.

Shelly: It was a bikini underwear with a speaker located in the crotch—so you could feel the music, too.

Donald: That’s funny. I’d like to buy two—one for you, one for me. Got any more examples? 

Shelly: An ad for Dodge Excalibur showed a tough-looking guy walking a huge Doberman dog. He taunted Tinker Bell by calling her a “silly little fairy.” Tinker Bell immediately turned the macho guy into a gay-looking man dressed in a pastel shirt and Obama-like mom jeans holding several leashes attached to very small dogs.  

Donald: Any sports-related ads?

Shelly: Here’s one that was going to run at the 2011 Super Bowl. But it was pulled at the last minute. See if you can tell me why? Priests substituted Doritos for the Holy Eucharist and Pepsi MAX instead of wine when they gave communion at Mass. The idea: Mass attendance was dwindling, and the priests thought giving more flavor to the tasteless communion wafer, let’s use Doritos. And Pepsi tastes better than wine.

Donald: Well, duh! Because it offended Catholics. That’s why.

Note to readers: Their conversation lasted into the wee small hours of the morning. That’s because Don Hendon’s Dumb, Dumber, Dumber-est book contains 333 mistakes!

Copyright (c) 2014


 

Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to  carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.