In God We Trust

Dirty Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and Taco Bell - A Fractured Fairy Tale

 

By Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
DonaldHendon.com 

Nasty Nancy Pelosi and Dirty Harry Reid often get together secretly. Since they’re big fans of the old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon show, they like to dress up like Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, the two evil spies who are always carrying out fiendish plans. Since they’re also cross-dressers, Nancy always dresses like Boris Badenov, and Harry always puts on a Natasha Fatale costume. Listen in as they hatch their latest fiendish plan in their hide-away suite at the Flamingo Hotel in Vegas. Here’s the conversation:

Harry: Our latest fiendish plans haven’t worked at all. The Bureau of Land Management ran away when Clive Bundy and his supporters confronted them.  

Nancy: You ought to be really pissed off about that! Now, you have to stop using your phony story about protecting that stupid desert tortoise because it looks like you.

Harry: Yeah, even my wife can’t tell us apart! And my son, Ridiculous Rory, my buddy Harvey Whittemore (the head of BLM), and I probably won’t get our big kickback from that Chinese company, ENN Energy Group. They wanted to build their $5 billion wind and solar power plant is where Bundy was grazing his cattle. I thought there’d be no problem, since the federal government owns 87 percent of all land in Nevada! And, let’s face it, in Nevada, I’m even more powerful than the feds!

Nancy: So what are you gonna do now? I know you were counting on that kickback for living expenses after you get defeated in 2016.  

Harry: I bought a Taco Bell franchise in Pahrump. That should take care of me in my old age. 

Nancy: Hell, you’re a lot older than I am! And I’m old—really, really old! Even older than Betty White! Why on earth did you buy a Taco Bell franchise? And why in Pahrump, of all places? It only has 36,000 people. The only worse place would be Searchlight, your home town.  It has 500 people.

Harry: Well, I love to read those little taco sauce packets they give you to put on the tacos and burritos. They have short sentences on them. Like, “Good things always happen at midnight.”

Nancy: You’re wrong—dead wrong! That one says “Good things always happen after midnight.”

Harry, overjoyed at finding a kindred spirit: Wow, I didn’t know you were a Taco Bell packet freak, too!

Nancy: Yeah. I get ideas for lots of my fiendish plans by reading the packets.

Harry: Double-wow! I get my fiendish ideas that way, too! I’ve collected 32 different packets. I keep them in my drawer. And whenever I want to do something to screw up the Republicans, I reach into my drawer for a sauce packet. Reading it is better than using a Ouija Board. For example, take “If you never do, you’ll never know.”

Nancy: How did that one inspire you?

Harry: Well, it made me  throw caution to the wind. Last year, I gave $16,000 to my grand-daughter’s jewelry company. I tried to disguise it by saying it was a campaign expense. I said I gave it Ryan Elisabeth, and didn’t use her real name, Ryan Elisabeth Reid. But it backfired. I got caught by the Federal Election Commission.

Nancy: What did they do to you?

Harry: Absolutely nothing. Aren’t you glad we politicians are above the law!

Nancy: Yeah, it’s a great life, isn’t it? I sure miss those free flights from Washington to San Francisco that I took every week when I was Speaker of the House. You’re lucky. You’re still Senate Majority Leader—but not for long. 

Harry: But some sauce packets don’t give me any ideas at all. Like, for instance, “Does the Spork go on the right or left?” And “Take me to your taco.” Some of them were brilliant, though! Say, that reminds me…Nancy, please tell me some of your fiendish plans that were inspired by Taco Bell sauce packets. Then, I’ll tell you about the time I burned down the house of a Tea Party guy I didn’t like. That was inspired by “Where there’s fun, there’s fire.”

Nancy thought about the inspiration she got from “Keep watching. I might do a trick.” (She always got that one wrong—she thought it said, “Keep watching. I might turn a trick.) But before she could say anything, there was a loud knock on the door. Nancy looked through the peephole. She saw Gary Loveman, chairman of Caesars Entertainment, the owner of the Flamingo. With five tough-looking men. She was afraid—very, very afraid.

Why was she afraid? A future fractured fairy tale will tell you. In the meantime, here are 4 more Taco Bell packet sentences. Which have inspired you? Will you marry me? (A friend of mine actually proposed to his girlfriend by giving her this packet.) I’m up for it if you are. Good thing the nacho dust matches my outfit. Leave no dare undone.


Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to  carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for, and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.