In God We Trust

Bill Clinton's Latest "Bimbo Eruption" - It's Not What He Wanted it to Be! - A Fractured Fairy Tale

Triggered by: Monica Lewinski’s article, “Shame and Survival,” in Vanity Fair (June 2014).

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

Perpetually horny Bill Clinton was feeling nostalgic when he read Monica Lewinski’s story, “Shame and Survival,” in the June issue of Vanity Fair magazine. He invited Dick Morris and James Carville to his hidden bachelor pad in New York City. He goes there a lot—to get away from Horrible Hillary and to meet his few remaining sexy female groupies—the ones who aren’t turned off by his pacemaker and the big scar in the middle of his chest (from his open-heart surgery in 2004). He sighs and thinks to himself, “Damn that heart condition of mine! It slows down my lovemaking considerably. I can’t satisfy my bimbos anymore!)

Morris and Carville were two of his closest advisors when he was governor and president. Dick arrived first.

Dick: Where are all your bimbos? I thought this was going to be a party, not just you and me!

Bill: I don’t get many bimbos anymore.

Dick: Trying to stay out of trouble with Horrible Hillary, huh?

Bill: No, that’s not it. I just can’t get it up anymore. That damn heart attack! And my pacemaker scares off a lot of gals. Anyway, we won’t be alone. I invited James Carville. He’ll be here in a few minutes.

Dick: Why did you invite that idiot! He looks like a rabid Chihuahua under the heat lamps at a Golden Corral buffet. 

Bill: He smells like one, too, Dick. By the way, he hates to be called Chihuahua. Call him Serpent Head. That’s what his wife, Mary Matalin, calls him. Anyway, I wanted to talk to both of you about what Monica said about me in this month’s Vanity Fair. Did you see her article?

Dick: Yeah. She was so stupid!

Bill: What do you mean?

Dick: Let’s look at the article. I see it there on your messed-up bed.

Dick looks through the article and reads Monica’s words: “I turned down offers that would have earned me more than $10 million, because they didn’t feel like the right thing to do.”

Bill: Yeah, I guess she was stupid! I put hundreds of millions of dollars in my pocket each and every year after I left office in 2001. Easy to do. Lots of rich political groupies out there.

James “The Rabid Chihuahua” Carville shows up. He scowls and says, “What’s this idiot doing here, Bill?”

Dick: Hey, Serpent Head, that’s exactly what I asked Bill when he told me you were coming, too.

James: Hey, Bill, where are the bimbos? I thought this was going to be a party!

Dick: Horrible Hillary’s Bimbo Eruption Squad cleared them out before you arrived. You missed all the fun.

Bill: Don’t believe what Dick says, James. Three gals will be here later on tonight.

James: I hope you don’t treat them like you did poor little Monica.

Bill: Gee, she was such a sweet girl. I still have a couple of poems she wrote and gave to me.

Dick: Why don’t you read them to us?

Bill: OK. Here’s the first one. It’s called “I said my pajamas and put on my prayers.” She said that’s how she felt after we made love for the first time.

I climbed up the door, and opened the stairs.

I said my pajamas, and put on my prayers.

I turned off the bed, and crawled into the light.

And all because you kissed me, goodnight.

Next morning, I woke and scrambled my shoes.

I shined up an egg, then I toasted the news.

I buttered my dress and took another bite.

And all because you kissed me, goodnight.

James: That was sweet. Monica is such a sweet girl. How could you have treated her that way?

Bill: Well, Horrible Hillary was always looking over my shoulder. She finally got over Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, Markie Post, Elizabeth Hurley, Juanita Broaddrick, and the rest of my bimbo-groupies, but she said she’d kill me if I ever cheated on her again.

Dick: Well, Horrible Hillary’s not here, so don’t worry. Now, read us Monica’s second poem.

Bill: OK. It’s called “Why shouldn’t it happen to us?” Here goes:

It has happened to a cricket in a thicket.

It has happened on a streetcar and a bus.

There has even been a rumor

It happened to a puma

Why shouldn’t it happen to us?

It happened to a tuna at Laguna.

To a girl named Myrtle and a guy named Gus.

Hiawatha said, “Come to me”

By the shores of Gitchi-Gummi

Why shouldn’t it happen to us?

I even heard a reindeer

Whisper “Please say that again, dear.”

So why shouldn’t it happen to us?

All of a sudden, Monica bursts into the room. She looks angry. She’s carrying a pistol, fully loaded. She’s accompanied by Joni Ernst, the Republican who’s running for Senate in Iowa. She’s carrying a knife. Joni yells at Clinton, “I used to castrate hogs for a living. When I get elected, I’m going to cut the pork in Washington. Right now, guess what I’m gonna do to a scumbag like you!”

What do you think will happen next? Your guess is as good as mine. I haven’t written it yet. Any suggestions?


 

Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to  carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.