When Obama Met Charlie Sheen: A Fractured Fairy Tale
By Donald W. Hendon, PhD
Obama is worried about recent news stories that allege he is bisexual. He gets an idea. He thinks to himself, “I have always admired Charlie Sheen’s macho-ness. If I could be more like Sheen, people wouldn’t think I’m bisexual.” So he decides to talk one-on-one to Charlie, who is on his Torpedo of Truth Tour. Naturally, he wants to talk to Sheen in Las Vegas, one of Charlie’s stops. Obama thinks, “I’ve always loved Vegas, even though it got me a lot of political points to bad-mouth Sin City.” (When Obama bad-mouthed Vegas, he was using one of the tactics in my recent book, 365 Powerful Ways to Influence, defensive tactic 82, Find a Scapegoat.)
His aide tells him Charlie is making an appearance at the Chateau Nightclub at the Paris Hotel in Vegas on May 1. He thinks, “Great! That’s better than going backstage at his Torpedo Tour. Nobody will find out.” So he calls Gary Loveman, CEO of Caesar’s Entertainment, which owns the Paris, and tells him he wanted to secretly stay at one of the poolside cabanas at the Paris between 1 am and 8 am on May 1. Gary says OK, and so Obama flies to Vegas on April 30.
He makes sure the press doesn’t know. He thinks, “If Fox News ever found out, they would raise hell, even though my trip would only cost $236,000. That’s what it cost me to fly to Chicago for a quickie appearance on June 15, 2009.” (John McCormick, Chicago Tribune, June 15, 2009). “That’s chicken feed. Some newspaper said it cost at least a hundred million dollars a day for me to make a 10-day trip to India, Indonesia, Korea, and Japan last November.” (Obama is Rationalizing, Defensive tactic 65).
In Vegas, Charlie Sheen is having fun and getting paid for it. He thinks, “I’m getting $100,000 to just to show up at the Chateau Nightclub at the Paris Hotel at 2 a.m. on May 1 and get drunk for a couple of hours. What a great life I lead!” After the nightclub party, Charlie and his entourage are going to his hotel room when they see a bunch of guys coming toward them. (Assertive tactic 58, The Swarming Ambush.) He freaks out. “Holy cow, I’m being kidnapped.” The Secret Service grabs Charlie and whisks him to one of the poolside Cabanas where Obama is waiting for him, sitting on a big couch. It has the presidential seal on it. (Assertive 92, Intimidate the other person by your occupation.) They put Sheen in a wobbly chair with short legs. (Dirty Tricks 32 and 33, Put him in a lower chair, and in a wobbly chair.)
Sheen yells at Obama, “What the hell’s going on? And why am I in a Cabana instead of a Villa? I’m a celebrity, and I should have been taken to a Villa!” (Assertive tactic 95, Celebrity Power)
Obama thinks to himself, “This is going to be a long night!” Then he says, “Hi, Charlie. I’ve always admired you, and I need your advice.” (Defensive 78, Make the Other Person Your Mentor)
Sheen: “It’s gonna cost you big-time, dude. I’m a celebrity, and people pay a lot of money just to be around me. The Paris paid me $100,000 just to show up at their nightclub and get drunk. You’ll have to pay me $500,000 for my advice. In cash! And in advance! And make it fast! I can’t stay long. I have 2 hookers waiting for me upstairs,” (Assertive 63, Get Paid in Advance)
Obama to Secret Service: “Do we have that much on hand?”
Secret Service: “Sure. We’ll just take it out of petty cash.”
While the Secret Service is counting out 5,000 hundred dollar bills, Obama starts the conversation: “I’m worried about my image. A few news stories have been saying that more and more people think I’m bisexual. It must be my appearance. Do I look bisexual?:
Sheen: “I’ll tell you after I get my money.”
After Charlie counts the 5,000 hundred dollar bills, he finally replies: I don’t know if you look bisexual or not. Take off your shirt, and I’ll let you know.”
Obama takes off his shirt.
Sheen: “Yeah, I can see why people may think you’re bisexual. There’s something about you with no shirt on. I can’t put my finger on it.”
Obama: “How can I look more macho, Charlie?”
Sheen: “Well, first, don’t take off your shirt in front of anybody except your wife. I remember seeing a picture of JFK in a bathing suit. He looked macho. You don’t. I look macho without my shirt. You don’t.”
Obama: “What else can I do?”
Before Sheen can answer, a gorgeous showgirl walks in, kneels down on the floor next to his chair, smiles at him, and says nothing. (Dirty Trick 48, Occasional Very Pleasant Interruptions.)
Sheen is obviously pleased. So he tells Obama: “Quit dressing so well. Start using cheaper suits. Or better yet, a coat that doesn’t match your pants. Don’t shine your shoes. Make sure your tie isn’t on straight.” (Quit using Assertive 42, Dress Well. Start using Assertive 43, Dress Like a Slob.)
Obama: “That might work! What else can you tell me?”
Sheen: “You’re too lean. Start working out more. Build some muscles. Don’t smile as much. Lower the pitch of your voice. Grow a beard. Get a pot belly.”
Obama: “That doesn’t make sense to me. What will that do?”
Sheen: “It will make you look like you’re not out on a date. I guess what I’m saying is that your appearance is too perfect. That’s it! That’s why some people may think you’re bisexual! You’ve got to have some flaws. Why don’t you eat greasy fattening foods? You’ll get pimples. That makes you not perfect.”
Obama: “But I’m a perfectionist!” (Preparation tactic 3, Overcome the Paralysis of Perfectionism)
Sheen: “Get over it, dude! Lose your ego!” (Preparation tactic 10, Lose Your Ego)
Obama: “You can’t talk to me that way! I’m the President of the United States!” (Assertive tactic 38, Pull Rank) Get him out of here!”
Sheen: “Yeah, I’m ready to go. And I’m gonna take this gorgeous girl who’s kneeling down next to me upstairs so she can meet the two hookers who are waiting for me. Any of you Secret Service guys want to go? Let’s party!”
Final Note: Of course, this didn’t happen. Remember, it’s only a fractured fairy tale!
Copyright (c) 2011 by Dr. Donald W. Hendon
Noted consultant, speaker, and trainer Donald Hendon is the author of 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Download chapter 1 free of charge at www.donaldhendon.com. There are 6 kinds of tactics: Assertive (121 of them), defensive (92), submissive (16), cooperative (24), dirty tricks (81), plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your negotiations. Don lives in Mesquite, Nevada, near Las Vegas.