Romney’s VP Pick Gives Obama Indigestion—A Fractured
Fairy Tale
By Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com
It was 11:15 pm on Saturday, August 11. Obama was
eating fried chicken which the ever-obedient Secret
Service got from the nearby Chick Fil-A at the
Catholic University campus in northeast Washington.
It tasted good, but not as good as the chicken at
the Chick Fil-A in Bethesda. He was still pissed off
at Rahm Emmanuel saying Chick Fil-A isn’t welcome
back home in Chicago. He thought, “What am I gonna
do next January when I’m no longer president and go
back to Chicago in disgrace? I can’t live without my
Chick Fil-A!”
All of a sudden, Michele rushes in and says “Romney
just picked Paul Ryan as VP.” Obama choked and spit
out the half-chewed wing in his mouth. He was so
worried about running against two Mister Clean’s
that he had a hard time going to sleep. While
tossing and turning, he hoped his sleeplessness
might be because of indigestion instead of worry. He
thought of other people Romney could have picked who
would have been easier to beat. Like Donald Trump.
Or even a Democrat. He started to fixate on
Democrats who Romney might have picked. Then, he
finally fell asleep. Here’s his dream:
Obama, Barney Frank, and Elton John are deeply
involved in pillow talk in the Lincoln bedroom. The
lights are low. Obama asks Elton, “What’s your
favorite pet name for me? Bee-Hussein, or Barry-Oh?
Tell me, then I’ll tell you my pet names for you,
Barney, and Michelle.” Then, all of a sudden, Dirty
Harry Reid bursts into the room and shouts “Barry,
I’ve got terrible news! Just terrible!”
Obama: What happened, Dirty Harry? Did anything
happen to my Choomobile that the Secret Service
built for me at Camp David? That’s my favorite place
in the whole world to get high! Please tell me the
Choomobile’s all right. Tell me!
Dirty Harry Reid: Worse than that! Romney’s just
pulled the rug out from under us. He’s picked Nancy
Pelosi for Vice President! And she said yes!
Obama: Get her in here right away!
Dirty Harry: I took care of that, boss. She’s
waiting outside. The Secret Service has her in
handcuffs.
Pelosi comes in.
Obama: Nancy, why did you jump ship?
Pelosi: To get back my jet, Barry-Oh! I got used to
using those military jumbo jets to fly me, my
husband, children, grandchildren, and my Ghirardelli
chocolate-covered strawberries back and forth to San
Francisco every week when I was speaker. The
Judicial Watch Investigation only knows about 90
flights I made between April 2009 and October 2010.
They don’t know about the 300 other round-trips we
made when I was speaker. No way in hell will I ever
be speaker again. You made sure the Republicans will
control the house forever because you’re so damn
incompetent. Oh, sure, I’ll keep getting re-elected
by those clueless people back home in the Bay Area
forever. I’m 82, err I mean 72 now, and with my 20
face-lifts last year, I still look like I’m in my
30s. So I’ve got a long career ahead of me. Another
20 years at least! And the only way I’ll get my
military jets back is for me to be Vice President!
Obama is speechless, so Dirty Harry asks her: Why
did Romney pick you, of all people?
Pelosi: Because Romney wants to win in California.
And I can deliver California’s 55 electoral
votes—and there’s no way in hell you, Bee-Hussein,
and that clown Biden can win the election in
November without California! Now get these damn
handcuffs off me.
Obama: You witch, you traitor! Fly back to
California on your broom for all I care!
Pelosi leaves and takes Barney Frank and Elton John
with her. Going out the door, Barney says “Let’s
party!”
Then, Obama and Dirty Harry start brainstorming.
Obama: We’ve got to get rid of Joe Biden. Delaware
has only three electoral votes. And besides, that
guy’s an idiot. Remember when he said “President
Franklin Roosevelt got on TV in 1929 when the stock
market crashed”?
Dirty Harry: Most voters are stupid. That’s why we
Democrats keep getting re-elected. They don’t know
there was no TV in 1929 and that Roosevelt wasn’t
president until 1933. But I agree. Biden’s a drag on
the ticket. We’ve got to choose somebody else.
Obama: Al Gore wants me to choose him. (See Don
Hendon’s fractured fairy tale of June 254, 2012,
“What Obama Will Do When the Supreme Court Overturns
Obamacare.”)
Dirty Harry: Why not choose Sandra Flake? She gave
me her phone number and told me to call her anytime.
She’ll deliver the young promiscuous female
vote—free contraception for everybody!
Obama: Isn’t her name Sandra Fluke?
Dirty Harry: Who cares! She’s a flake! A gorgeous
flake!
Obama: How many young promiscuous females are there
anyway?
Dirty Harry: There’s never enough!
Obama: No wonder they call you Dirty Harry!
Dirty Harry: We need Florida’s 29 electoral votes,
too. How about that hot, beautiful blonde in
Florida—the attorney-general. What’s her name?
Obama: Pam Bondi. But she’s a Republican, stupid.
Dirty Harry: Who cares? Nancy Pelosi jumped ship.
Maybe Pam Bondi will, too.
Obama: Bill Clinton told me once to dump Biden and
pick John Edwards—the serial cheater vote is pretty
big! And Bill Clinton knows about serial cheating,
big-time!
Dirty Harry: Edwards is still available. He didn’t
go to jail, so he’s not a convicted felon. Still
eligible for federal office.
Obama: Why not think outside the box like Romney did
when he picked Nancy Pelosi. Let’s pick somebody
really, really famous with a winning personality.
Somebody with a smile that doesn’t look phony.
Somebody from Hollywood, maybe.
Eventually, they settle on George Clooney as Vice
President. The flattered Clooney says yes.
Then they start brainstorming slogans. They throw
out “Incompetence and glamour—Obama and Clooney”
right away.
Obama: How about this one: Get Joe Soptic to say “If
you vote Republican, you’ll get cancer!” Take the
old folks’ vote away from Romney by scaring them. Or
“Romney gives people cancer. All I do is nauseate
people.”
Dirty Harry: I don’t think that’s gonna work. We
tried it earlier and it backfired. We need something
better. Hmmm. How about going after the stupid vote.
Lots of clueless, stupid people out there. You
know—Nancy Pelosi’s kind of voters. I think they’ll
like this slogan:
“Well, duh! If the government is dumb enough to give
me free money, I’m smart enough to take it!”
Obama: Naw, that’s no good. Democrats have had the
stupid vote locked up for many years now.
Dirty Harry: How about going after the smart vote,
then?
Obama: No, smart people know better than to vote for
Democrats. They know we’re nothing but a bunch of
opportunistic liars.
Dirty Harry: How about going after the incompetent
vote, then. Let’s use “I didn’t build that—I’m too
incompetent to build anything!” Or “Obama, the
incompetent socialist. Thank God he’s incompetent!”
Before Obama can answer, the White House chef comes
in with breakfast, and so Obama and Dirty Harry
start talking about food.
Dirty Harry: I hear the Republicans are going to
serve Chick-Fil-A at their convention in Tampa!
Obama: Hmmm, I love Chick Fil-A! But that’s OK.
We’re gonna serve soul food at our convention in
Charlotte!
Dirty Harry: What’s soul food?
Then they start talking about Joe Biden again.
Dirty Harry: Poor Joe Biden. He has no skills. He’s
got a phony smile. Your phony smile looks genuine,
but Biden’s phony smile looks really, really phony.
What’s he gonna do in 2013?
Obama: I’ll get him a gig on Dancing with the Stars.
That’s when Obama woke up—in a cold sweat. Rummaging
around in the trash can, he started eating left-over
Chick Fil-A. All of a sudden, he came up with a
brilliant plan! Then, he had to throw up, and
couldn’t remember what his plan was.
Stay tuned for more fractured fairy tales.
Copyright
(c) 2012 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
In Dr. Donald W. Hendon's
book, 365 Powerful Ways to Influence, you learn to
use 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24
cooperative tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81
dirty tricks to get what you want from other
people—plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your
interaction with them. There are many political
examples. Learn more about his book at
www.donaldhendon.com. Download Chapter 1 there,
free of charge. And watch for his latest book,
co-authored by Jay Conrad Levinson. Titled Guerrilla
Deal-Making, It contains the 100 most powerful
tactics from 365 Powerful Ways. It’s available for
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