Obama, the Bisexual Gay Pothead - Another Fractured Fairy Tale
By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com
Bill Clinton got an advance copy of David Maraniss’ book, “Barack Obama: The Story,” and got jealous. He thought to himself, “I smoked marijuana a bit, and I inhaled. I’m a lovable liar, and I told everybody I didn’t inhale. I didn’t get in trouble for that. I wonder why Obama admitted he took drugs, including cocaine. I think I’ll invite myself over and talk to him about it. Maybe I’ll learn what Choom really means. And what the hell Roof Hits are all about.”
Clinton calls Obama at 6 pm on
Memorial Day, May 28, 2012.
Obama says, “Sure, come on over.
I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up.
Gotta make the most use of it while I
can—I’ve only got six months more of living in
luxury before I get kicked out of office.
And we’ll make it a pot party.
I’ve got Charlie Sheen with me.
We’re at Camp David for the long weekend.”
Clinton gets to Camp David and there’s a 1970 Volkswagen Bus out front with all the windows rolled up. Sheen comes out of the car, carrying a half-empty bottle of scotch, and staggers out to greet him.
Sheen: Come on in, buddy. Rahm Emmanuel, Bill Ayers, and Barney Frank are inside the Choomwagon with Obama. There’s even a guy named Keith Kakugawa, who went to Punahou with him in Honolulu in the 1970s. We’re playing Cheech and Chong music. Later on, we’re going to watch their movie, Up in Smoke.
Clinton: Yeah, I watched that a lot in the 1970s in Arkansas when I was governor. Wow, sounds like a party. Hope the Secret Service did their job and there are Colombian prostitutes inside. I learned a lot of Spanish from them when I was President. But why the VW bus? And why are all the windows rolled up? It’s warm tonight.
Sheen: I guess Barry’s nostalgic. He asked the Secret Service to get a 1970 VW bus because that was the van he and his friends used when they were getting high after school at Punahou in Honolulu. He even had them paint Choomwagon on the side, for old time’s sake. He’s teaching all of us about hitting the ceiling. He calls it Roof Hits.
Clinton: I know what hitting the ceiling means. I’ve gotten mad at Hillary a lot. But what are Roof Hits?
Sheen: I’ll let Barry tell you himself.
Clinton and Sheen open the door to get in, and Rahm Emmanuel yells, “Close the door. Don’t waste a crisis…er, I mean, don’t waste all that good smoke. Don’t let it get outside.”
They quickly close the door. Clinton notices there are only men inside and says, “I guess Barney Frank vetoed the idea of Colombian women. Too bad.”
Bill Ayers has the joint and is taking a puff. Obama’s head is tilted back, trying to inhale all the smoke at the top of the back seat.
Ayers: Barry, you tall, greedy bastard. You’re inhaling all that good smoke at the top just so the rest of us can’t get inhale it later on. Stop taking all those Roof Hits, dammit!
Obama: Shut up, Ayers, and pass around the pakalolo. Who’s next?
Ayers says, “I think it’s Rahm’s turn,” and starts to hand it to Rahm Emmanuel.
Obama yells loudly, “Interception,” and grabs the joint from Ayers’ hand. He inhales.
Emmanuel:
Not fair.
Clinton: Interception! Interception! I want to be next! I haven’t inhaled in a couple of days now. Hillary keeps watching me.”
Emmanuel: You ought to be glad somebody’s watching you, you miserable has-been.
Clinton makes sure he totally absorbs the smoke so he won’t miss his turn the next time around.
After the joint is passed around several times and everybody is feeling high and mellow, Clinton asks: “What are Barney Frank and Charlie Sheen doing here, Barry?”
Obama: I invited them. Remember last year when I was worried about people thinking I was bisexual? Well, it’s gotten worse. Did you see Newsweek’s cover on May 15? Now, they’re saying I’m America’s first gay president.
Frank: Yeah, that really pissed me off. I wanted to be America’s first gay president!
Obama: Charlie gave me good advice last year when he was at the Venetian in Vegas on his Torpedo of Truth Tour. I flew out there just to talk to him. He told me people wouldn’t think I’m bisexual if stop looking so perfect, like I’m always out on a date with Michelle. Charlie told me I should eat greasy foods so I’ll get a few pimples to match the mole on my cheek. Quit shining my shoes. Wear a coat that doesn’t match my pants. Build some muscles so I’d look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Lower the pitch of my voice. And if I ever take off my shirt in public, make sure I have a pot belly. I won’t look so perfect that way. I did all that. The only thing I didn’t do was grow a beard. And it’s so hard to make my tie look crooked, not straight. But Charlie’s advice sucked! Now, people think I’m not just bisexual—Newsweek says right on its cover that I’m gay! I’ve got a rainbow halo around my head, for gosh sakes!
Frank: What’s wrong with being gay? I’m proud of it!
Obama: Shut up, Barney. What advice can the rest of you guys give me?
Emmanuel: Never take advice from a loser. Sheen was fired from Two and a Half Men right after he gave you that crappy advice in May of last year. (See “When Obama Met Charlie Sheen: A Fractured Fairy Tale” in Stupid Frogs, dated May 6, 2011.) Here’s what I think: Never waste a crisis. Admit to being gay. Divorce Michelle. After all, she almost divorced you in 2000. You’ve already lost the conservatives. Get more liberals on your side. They like gays.
Ayers: And become even more socialist than you are now. Start a real revolution. It’s not too late. Stage a coup right after you’re defeated on November 6. My big regret is that Bernadette and I never started a revolution in Chicago in 1968. Well, at least we weren’t convicted. And we didn’t waste that crisis in our lives—we became millionaires, just like you did when you wrote your books.
Obama: Interesting advice, fellows. Let me think about it. Right now, though, Barney, I’d like you to leave. The Secret Service has treated the rest of us to several sexy Colombian women, and we don’t want to offend you. Keith, where are the Zig-Zags?
(To be continued)
In Dr. Donald W. Hendon's book, 365 Powerful Ways to Influence, you learn to use 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24 cooperative tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81 dirty tricks to get what you want from other people—plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. There are many political examples. Learn more about his book at www.donaldhendon.com.