Obama Pardons Eric Holder—Maybe: Another Fractured Fairy Tale
By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com
It’s Saturday, January 19, 2013, and the Obamas have
almost finished packing up to leave the White House.
Barack:
Hey, Sasha and Malia.
Don’t forget to pack the White House
silverware.
We’ll need it back home in Jakarta.
Sasha: Why bother? Bill and Hillary stole most of the good silverware in 2001.
Malia:
Why can’t we go back to Honolulu?
It has much better beaches than that stupid
Jakarta.
Barack:
I’ve told you this a thousand times.
There’s no extradition treaty between the US
and Indonesia.
I can’t be sent back to stand trial for all
the unconstitutional things I did the last 4 years.
Besides, I’d like to get to know my six
half-brothers and two half-sisters.
I was an only child when I was growing up,
and I’d like to experience the thrill of sibling
rivalry.
Michelle:
Why don’t you just pardon yourself today
before you leave?
I’d like to move back to Honolulu, too.
The hell with Chicago.
It’s too cold.
And the air pollution is just as bad as it is
in Jakarta.
Barack:
Dammit, I forgot to pardon Eric Holder.
He was found guilty of contempt by the House
last summer for not giving them the documents in the
Fast and Furious scandal.
Michelle:
Forget about Eric and help me pack.
The most he can get when he’s found guilty is
a fine of $1,000 and one year in jail.
Malia:
Daddy, did you pardon yourself yet?
Darrell Issa’s committee found you in
contempt of Congress, too.
Sasha:
Yeah, daddy.
You were found guilty of breaking the
campaign finance law in 2011 when you filmed the
“Win a Dinner with Barack” ad in the White House.
Michelle:
And they found you guilty of breaking the law
last year when you didn’t tell Congress about the
counterterrorism operation that stopped an underwear
bomber.
Sasha:
And don’t forget they found you guilty of breaking
the law when you gave money to push legalized
abortion in Kenya.
Barack:
Shut up, all of you.
That’s mickey mouse stuff.
They were too stupid to find out about all
the money I hid in Dubai.
We’ll live like emperors in Jakarta with that
stash!
Michelle:
I don’t understand.
Why did you hide the money in Dubai, of all
places?
You don’t like the Middle East.
Barack:
Your memory sucks, baby.
I told you several times there’s no
extradition treaty between the US and the United
Arab Emirates.
Michelle:
Yeah, I remember.
But what does Dubai have to do with the
United Arab Emirates?
Barack:
Dubai is one of the emirates in the United Arab…oh,
forget it.
Just shut up and keep on packing.
Don’t forget the monogrammed towels and the
White House dinnerware.
Sasha:
Why are we taking George Bush’s portrait with us,
daddy?
Barack:
I need a dart board.
Remember how much I like to play darts!
All of a sudden, Eric Holder and Charlie Rangel
enter the room.
Holder:
Wow, look at all that silverware.
Barry, please let me take a few with me.
I’ll hide them in my pants.
I can sell them to help pay my legal bills.
They’ll be huge beginning tomorrow when I’m
no longer Attorney General.
Barack:
Sure, grab whatever you can.
Rangel:
Can I have some, too?
Everything is so shiny.
Barack:
Sure.
Knock yourself out.
While they’re stuffing silverware into their pants,
Holder starts to cry.
Michelle:
Why are you crying, Eric?
Holder:
I don’t want to go to jail.
I’m not a likeable person.
I don’t know how to smile.
I’m afraid of being bullied by the cops while
in jail and being raped in the shower.
Rangel:
Don’t worry about being raped.
You’re too ugly.
Holder:
Did you pardon me yet?
Barack:
I’ve decided not to pardon you.
I’d like to see you dangling in the wind.
Holder begins to cry even more.
Barack:
Oh, stop crying.
Don’t sweat it.
I’m getting ready to pardon you.
But first, I’ve got to help the girls finish
stealing…er, I mean packing.
Bill and Hillary Clinton come into the room.
Hillary:
Hey, I see you’re stealing the White House
silverware like we did in 2001.
Whenever Bill and I give parties at our house
in New York, we like to tell our guests that the
silverware is really from the White House.
They don’t care if we stole it or not.
They just like to bask in our glory.
Bill:
Barry, have you pardoned yourself and Eric yet?
Have you pardoned anybody else?
I’ll bet you’re trying to break my record of
140 pardons on
my last day in office, aren’t you?
Barack:
Yeah, I’m gonna break your record.
Nobody remembers Pardongate anymore.
Mary Jo White and James Comey, the federal
prosecutors who investigated your pardons, found no
wrongdoing.
Malia:
Why didn’t they find you guilty, Mr. Clinton?
Bill: I
gave them some of the White House silverware.
Hillary:
Bill, how many times did you invoke executive
privilege?
Bill:
I’m proud to say I broke the record of
any
president—I did it 14 times.
If I hadn’t, I’d probably be in jail right
now.
Hillary:
How many times did George Bush use executive
privilege?
Bill:
Only four times.
Hillary:
I still don’t understand—why are you moving to
Indonesia, of all places?
Are you that interested in bonding with your
half-brothers and half-sister?
Barack:
I’ll bet Bill knows why.
Tell her, Bill.
Bill: No
extradition treaty between Indonesia and the US.
Barack:
And after I’m in Indonesia, I won’t care if I’m
found guilty or not.
Malia: I
want to get to know my uncles and auntie.
I hope they’re better people than Uncle Omar
and Auntie Zeituni. He’s always drunk, and she’s
always complaining about her health.
Holder:
Barry, please, please, please pardon me.
All of a sudden, Charlie Sheen shows up.
Sheen:
Wow, look at all that silverware.
Can I have some?
To be continued.
Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a
speaker-author-trainer-consultant.
He has written 7 books, including
365 Powerful
Ways to Influence and the forthcoming
Guerrilla
Deal-Making which contains the 100 most powerful
influence-persuasion-negotiation techniques—and over
400 counter-measures.
In those books, you learn to use 121
aggressive tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24
cooperative tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81
dirty tricks to get what you want from other
people—plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your
interaction with them.
Learn more about Don’s books at
www.donaldhendon.com.
Guerrilla Deal-Making is now available for
pre-sales orders at Amazon.com.