In God We Trust

Obama Declares Himself Emperor—A Fractured Fairy Tale

 

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com 

On June 2, Obama was watching Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee on TV.  He became jealous.  He wished everybody in America adored him like the British adored their Queen.  He thought, “It’s not enough for only liberals in the 57 states to have a slobbering love affair with me.  I want everybody in the world to adore me.” 

That’s when he suddenly realized he hadn’t sent the Queen a gift for her Jubilee.  Frantically, he looked through his stash of DVDs, found a complete set of Everybody Hates Chris TV shows, and gave it to Felipe, his Filipino butler. 

Obama:  Felipe, get on Air Force One and deliver it to Queen Liz in person.

Felipe:  Mr. President, are you sure you want to give the Queen a bunch of MILF tapes?

Obama:  Oh, I gave you the wrong DVDs.  Here are the Everybody Hates Chris DVDs.  

Felipe:  Why don’t you just give her another iPad like you did in April 2009? 

Obama:  I didn’t give her an iPad—I gave her an iPod.  I don’t know why the Republicans are bitching about my spending habits.  An iPod is $200 less than an iPad. 

Felipe left, calling Obama kuripot under his breath.

Michelle came into the room.  “Whatcha watching, babe?”

Obama:  This whole Queen Elizabeth thing.  You know, Michelle, I’m getting jealous.  My title sucks.  It’s only Mister President.  She’s called Your Majesty.  And I’m more qualified to be President than she is to be Queen.  She was born into the job.  I had to use Saul Alinksy’s Rules for Radicals to get to the top.  And that was tough! 

Michelle:  What’s your favorite rule, sweetie-pie?

Obama:  So many to choose from, so little time.  I guess it’s a toss-up between ”Always be unethical” and “Good results come from my evil actions.” 

Michelle:  What about this rule:  “Lie, especially to the news media?”  You’ve done a lot of that lately, honey-bunny. 

Obama:  You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.  Wait till August 4, my 51st birthday.  I’ve got a big surprise for everybody—not just in America, but all over the world! 

Michelle:  What are you gonna give me on my birthday, darling-puss?

Obama:  When’s your birthday again, Michelle?  Is it January 17, June 17, or July 17?  I always get those three months with J’s mixed up. 

Michelle:  January, angel-pie. 

Obama:  Hey, why are you calling me sweetie-puss, darling-pie?  Why all the sweet talk?

Michelle:  Because I want you to give me a big present on your birthday, not on mine—and I don’t want one of those cheap iPods you gave Queen Elizabeth!

Obama:  Let’s talk about your present later.  Right now, I want to let you know what the big surprise I’ve gonna unveil to the whole world on my birthday.  I’m tired of being called Mister President.  I’m the biggest celebrity in the world, and I want a bigger title.  One that fits my super-celebrity status.   I’m gonna declare myself Emperor of the United States.  And you’ll be my Empress.  An Emperor is bigger than a King, and an Empress is bigger than a Queen.

Michelle:  How did you know what I wanted for my birthday, darling?  I wanted you to become Emperor so I could become Empress. 

Obama:  You know, even though we’re the biggest celebrities in the world, it just isn’t enough.  I want more. 

Michelle:  Me too, baby. 

Obama:  You know, I never met Saul Alinsky.  Wish I had.  He would have been proud of me.  I memorized his 11 characteristics of a good professional community organizer—no morals, big ego, arrogant, two-faced, charismatic, and so forth.  That’s what it takes to be a big winner in politics. 

Michelle left the room, and Obama spent the next few days watching the celebrations in England.  He thought to himself, “Wow, the celebrations over there lasted four days—June 2 through June 5.  My inauguration celebration lasted only one day.”  He started to become even more jealous of the Queen.  And he started to make plans for the big events of August 4. 

But on June 25, events made Obama accelerate his timetable.  Instead of declaring himself Emperor on August 4, he decided to do it right away.  He found a good excuse—that day, the Supreme Court upheld the Arizona law that allowed traffic cops to ask speeders to prove their U.S. citizenship.  He summoned Attorney General Eric Holder to his office.

Obama:  Eric, what happens when a cop in Arizona finds an illegal immigrant who is speeding? 

Holder:  The cops turn them over to the Department of Homeland Security.  Or to ICE, Immigration and Customs Enforcement.  I always get those two agencies mixed up.

Obama:  Who cares!  Both belong to your Department of Justice, right?

Holder:  Yeah.

Obama:  Well, I’m gonna get into a pissing contest with Jan Brewer, the Arizona governor. 

Holder:  Good idea.  You’ll win the pissing contest for sure.  After all, you have a penis, and she has a vagina.

Obama, Hey, stupid, that’s not what I mean.  Tell your people that ICE is breaking our agreement with the Arizona Highway Patrol, with the Mesa and Phoenix Police Departments, and the Yavapai and Pima County Sheriff’s Offices.  They can no longer make federal immigration arrests.  Only ICE can.  And ICE won’t.  And set up an 800 number for people to report cops who stop illegals.  Ha-ha, I win, Jan Brewer loses! 

Holder:  What about ICE’s agreements with the other 63 law enforcement offices in the other 23 states?  Will we take away their power to make federal immigration arrests, too?

Obama:  Hell, no!  I don’t want to break the law in those 23 states—only in Arizona!  I wanna see Jan Brewer hanging and twisting in the wind—very, very slowly.  That will teach her not to wag her finger in my face!

Holder:  Hey, since you’re breaking the law today, I hope you’ll break the law again on Thursday June 28. 

Obama:  What’s happening then?

Holder:  That’s the day the House of Representatives is going to find me in contempt for lying to congress.  The Republicans have the votes.  What happens when I’m found guilty?  I’ll go to jail, and I’m scared of what will happen to me there.  Gang-rapes and starchy food.  You should be scared, too.  The House will probably impeach you on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice, just like it did with Bill Clinton.  

Obama:  Don’t worry about that.  Even if I’m impeached, I won’t be convicted by the Senate.  Clinton was acquitted by the Senate, and he stayed in office.  You won’t go to jail.  I’ll make sure of that.  And I’m gonna stay in office much, much longer than Clinton did.

Holder:  What do you mean?  Clinton was in office for 8 years.  You’ll be thrown out on November 6, election day.

Obama:  You’ll see in just a few days.  Two other big things are happening on June 28—not just the House finding you guilty of perjury. 

Holder:  What else is gonna happen?

Obama:  The Supreme Court will declare that Obamacare is unconstitutional.  I already know it’s gonna happen.  I’ve got spies over there. 

Holder:  Aren’t you worried? 

Obama:  Nope.

Holder:  Why not?

Obama:  Because of the other big thing that’s gonna happen on June 28—I’m gonna declare myself Emperor at 8 a.m. that day.   I’ll shut down the Supreme Court before it can declares Obamacare unconstitutional at 10 a.m.  And on my birthday, August 4, I’ll crown Michelle Empress, and she’ll crown me Emperor.  And I’ll make you my Court Jester.

To be continued. 

 Copyright (c) 2012 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon


 

In Dr. Donald W. Hendon's book, 365 Powerful Ways to Influence, you learn to use 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24 cooperative tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81 dirty tricks to get what you want from other people—plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them.  There are many political examples.  Learn more about his book at www.donaldhendon.com.  And watch for his latest book, co-authored by Jay Conrad Levinson.  Titled Guerrilla Deal-Making, It contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways.  It’s available for pre-order now at Amazon.com.