Obama’s Brainstorming Session: How to Screw Up the Republican Convention
By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com
Obama decides to miss the NAACP convention in Houston so that he
can have fun instead with his old buddies from
Chicago. And so he has the Secret Service fly
his rebuilt Choomobile from Camp David to Chicago.
They wet it up in the back yard of Mayor Rahm
Emmanuel’s house. Obama, Rahm, those two
madcap Daley brothers (“Little Dick” and Billy), and
the affable husband-and-wife team Bill Ayers and
Bernardine Dorn are all sitting in the 1968 VW Bus,
smoking joints.
Everybody’s pretty high when a Secret Service guy knocks on the
door and says, “Bill Clinton’s at the front door,
along with two old fat women, Susan Rosenberg and
Linda Evans. Shall we let them in?”
Ayers: Bernadette and I invited them to the party.
Susie and Linda were members of our radical Weather
Underground team in the 1960s. They’ve been
out of prison since Clinton pardoned them in 2001.
Obama: Yeah, let them all in. There’s enough room and
joints for everybody. And Bill and Bernadette,
you read my mind! I want to screw up the
Republican Convention in Tampa, just like you and
the Chicago Seven screwed up the Democrat Convention
in Chicago in 1968. We’ll have a brainstorming
session
Bernadette: Yeah, both of us caused a lot of trouble at the
Chicago Convention in 1968. But we weren’t the
ringleaders, and we didn’t get arrested till later.
They caught us when we tried to bomb the Capitol and
the Pentagon about the same time. Gee, I miss
the 1960s!
After the threesome join the party, Bernardine asks Clinton:
Why did you pardon Susie and Linda?
Clinton: They weren’t old and fat back in 2001. Prison food
kept the slim, just the way I like them. And
they were very, very grateful. Weren’t you,
girls?
Susie and Linda nod their heads and giggle.
Lots of brainstorming occurs. Two of the ideas that were
rejected: Obama, Joe Biden, Rahm Emmanuel, and
Harry Reid show up at the convention. They do a
song-and-dance number, then sing barbershop quartet
songs. Nancy Pelosi, Diane Feinstein, and
Barbara Boxer follow-up with a song-and-dance act of
their own.
After the brainstorming session is over and Obama has enough ideas
to screw up the convention in Tampa, the girls leave
and the guys start talking about women—naturally!
“Little Dick” Daley: Those gals aren’t bad-looking for their
age.
Billy Daley: Yeah. Hey, that gives me an idea—who are
the best-looking newscasters on TV? And the
worst?
Emmanuel: Fox has the best-looking. I love that Puerto
Rican Kimberley Guilfoyle. And Dr. Monica
Crowley! She rings my bells!
Obama: And don’t forget Ainsley Earhardt and Megyn Kelly!
Yum yum.
Ayers: I like Asians myself—Michelle Malkin is one gorgeous
Filipina! Yum-yum sarap!
Clinton: Too bad CNN and MSNBC don’t have gorgeous
women—except for Robin Meade. I wish she
didn’t snort when she laughs, though. I don’t
like Candy Crowley and that lesbian with a smirk,
what’s-her-name.
Ayers: Rachel Maddow.
Clinton: Yeah, that’s the one.
Obama: If Barney Frank were here, he’d probably pick Don
Lemon at CNN or Father Jonathan Morris!
Eventually, the guys start talking about the ugliest female
newscasters. Then about the sexiest female
members of Congress. They couldn’t think of
any. So they started talking about the ugliest
Congresswomen. It was unanimous! They
picked Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Nancy Pelosi, and
Maxine Waters.
The party breaks up at 3 a.m. Obama goes to sleep and has
three dreams:
First dream: The ghosts of Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin,
both members of the Chicago Seven, appear.
Hoffman: Watch out, Barry. You’re already 50 years old.
I committed suicide when I was 52. And Jerry
died when he was hit by a car when he was 56.
Rubin: Why did you commit suicide, anyway? You were a
big celebrity.
Hoffman: Some celebrity! I was broke. Nobody
bought my book!
Rubin: Hey, stupid, it’s your own fault! You shouldn’t
have called it “Steal This Book!”
Obama: You guys think I’m gonna commit suicide, too?
Hoffman: Your next dream will tell you.
Second dream:
It’s a scene right out of Macbeth, Shakespeare’s play. Three
ugly old witches are making some kind of stew in a
huge black kettle. Their faces are hidden.
Suddenly, they turn around and face Obama.
Sure enough, they are Debbie Wasserman-Schultz,
Nancy Pelosi, and Maxine Waters.
Obama: Will I commit suicide like Abbie Hoffman did?
Wasserman-Schultz: You’re invincible. No man born of
woman will ever replace you. You’ll be
President of the United States forever!
Pelosi: Well, not forever. You’ll eventually die.
Obama: Hey, I’m worried about dying too soon. I’m
especially worried about Joe Biden. Will he
ever replace me so he can become President?
Waters: Don’t worry. Remember what Wasserman-Schultz
told you—No man born of woman will ever replace you.
Obama: Will the generals in the Pentagon support me? Or
will they start a revolution against me?
Pelosi: You’ll be safe—that is, until the Woods of Lafayette
Park come across the street to the White Castle, er,
the White House. Sorry, I’m hungry, and I just
love those White Castle hamburgers!
Third dream:
Obama disrupts the Republican convention in Tampa, loses the
election, and declares himself emperor before
Romney’s inauguration. Half of the Pentagon’s
generals support him, and half try to get rid of
him. Joe Biden goes into hiding in plain
sight—across the street from the White House in
Lafayette Park. Eventually, he decides to go
talk to Obama in person at the White House and picks
some flowers as a gift to Michelle. Obama
decides to let him in.
Obama: Thanks for the flowers. I’ll give them to
Michelle.
When Obama turns around to call Michelle, Biden hands him an arrest
warrant for fraud and treason. The crying
Obama says:
Joe, you're a back-stabbing bastard! But the three
witches said that no man born of woman will ever
replace me. Did the witches lie?
Biden laughs and says: Barry, I was delivered by C-section!
Remember, this is only a fairy tale…or is it?
Final note from Don Hendon; Thanks for the inspiration,
Diana!
In Dr. Donald W. Hendon's book, 365 Powerful Ways to
Influence, you learn to use 121 aggressive
tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24 cooperative
tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81 dirty tricks
to get what you want from other people—plus 31
tactics to prepare you for your interaction with
them. There are many political examples.
Learn more about his book at
www.DonaldHendon.com.
Download Chapter 1 there, free of charge. And
watch for his latest book, co-authored by Jay Conrad
Levinson. Titled Guerrilla Deal-Making,
It contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365
Powerful Ways. It’s available for pre-order
right now at Amazon.com.