Nancy Pelosi Arrests Karl Rove and Mitt Romney—A Fractured Fairy Tale
DonaldHendon.com
On July 3, 2012, Nancy Pelosi was looking in her
bathroom mirror, checking her latest
face-lift—number 69—for tell-tale signs of sagging.
She thought to herself, “Mirror, mirror on
the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
All of a sudden, her illegal Filipina maids, April,
May, and June, came in, screaming.
April:
Ma’m, terrible news, terrible news.
Pelosi:
Calm down, triplets.
What happened?
Did Barbara Boxer or Diane Feinstein finally
get face-lifts, too?
They sure needed them.
They’ve always been jealous of me.
May:
It’s Andy Griffith, ma’m.
He died today.
He was 86.
You used to talk about him a lot, especially
about when you were a guest star on his Mayberry TV
show.
Pelosi:
Yes, I had a lot of fun doing that show.
It was right after my very first face-lift in
1964. An
election year.
I was still in my 40s then.
I drove into Mayberry and started flirting
with some of those hot and macho North Carolina
hillbillies.
Deputy Barney Fife arrested me for
soliciting.
I gave him a $10,000 bribe, and he left town
with Thelma Lou to party in Raleigh.
Then, Andy swore me in as Acting Deputy.
June:
What happened when you were Deputy Sheriff of
Mayberry?
Pelosi:
Bring in your brothers, October and November, and
I’ll tell you.
Twin brothers October and November enter the crowded
bathroom, and Pelosi began telling her story.
Pelosi:
It was my second day on the job.
Karl Rove and Mitt Romney were both in their
20s.
They came to Mayberry to organize a rally for Barry
Goldwater who was running against Lyndon Johnson.
October:
You had an affair with President Johnson, didn’t
you?
Pelosi:
Yes, and I had an affair with Barry Goldwater, too.
November:
You had affairs with many politicians on both
sides of the aisle, didn’t you?
Pelosi:
Yes—and once I even did it in the middle of the
aisle.
That’s how I got into politics in the first place.
Their pillow-talk influenced me—I wanted to
have celebrity power, too.
(Note:
This is assertive tactic 95 in Donald
Hendon’s best-selling book,
365
Powerful Ways to Influence.)
April:
You’re the biggest celebrity in San Francisco.
They even changed the name of Middle Drive
East to Nancy Pelosi Drive.
Pelosi:
I tried to get them to change the name of Market
Street, but I had to settle for that two-bit street
in Golden Gate Park.
May: So what happened in Mayberry?
Pelosi:
Well, Rove and Romney went to their hotel and
started phoning Republicans.
They set up a rally in town at 8 pm.
Gee, they were handsome.
Still are.
June: Do
you still get a thrill up your leg whenever you
think of them, ma’m?
Pelosi:
Both legs!
Anyway, both of them were in front of Floyd’s
Barber Shop, speaking to a crowd in the street.
I was in my Deputy Sheriff’s uniform, and I
started using some very friendly body language to
get them to notice me.
(Note:
This is Defensive tactic 16, Manipulate the
other person with your body language, in
365
Powerful Ways.)
Neither one of them paid a bit of attention to me.
I thought to myself, “This face-lift doesn’t
work at all.
Maybe I’ll get another one.”
The next day, after Face-Lift Number 2, I was
walking down Elm Street, and I ran into Sheriff Andy
and Aunt
Bee.
Aunt Bee:
There’s something different about you, Nancy.
Pelosi:
Don’t tell anybody, but I just had a face-lift.
Aunt Bee:
You need another one.
It’s uneven.
So I went to the beauty shop.
On my way, I saw Romney and Rove crossing the
street.
I decided to arrest them for jaywalking.
I wanted them to be a captive audience—my audience. I
would flirt with them, pardon them, and then they
would take me out to dinner out of gratitude.
Maybe I’d get lucky.
Anyway, I arrested them for jaywalking and put them
in jail.
I spent the next hour trying to flirt with them.
They weren’t interested in me, and I got
angrier and angrier.
Just before I was going to horse-whip them,
Andy came in.
He asked why I had arrested Romney and Rove.
I told him they were jaywalking.
That’s when he fired me and let them go.
Andy told me I was too power-hungry.
He said, “Give you a little power, and you
want to become Hitler.”
I was broken-hearted.
But I learned from my experience.
Once I became the Hitler of the House…I mean
Speaker of the House…I could do anything.
I passed laws just for the hell of it—I
figured, “What the hell, you’ve got to pass the law
first in order to find out what’s in it.”
October:
Did you ever meet Romney and Rove later?
Pelosi:
Yes.
After I became Speaker of the House, I tried to lure
both of them into the Capitol in Washington so that
I could arrest them again.
November:
Did you ever do it?
Did you ever arrest them?
Pelosi:
No, those two guys are too tricky.
They never stepped foot in the Capitol
Building after I became Speaker.
They were afraid of me.
All of
Pelosi’s five Filipino servants had the same thought
at the same time:
They weren’t afraid of you.
They were afraid of your face-lift.
And of your Hitler moustache—it still shows
through, even after all that bleach!
After the story, the servants left Pelosi alone in
her bathroom.
Once again, she looked at herself in the
mirror and said “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s
the fairest of them all?”
This time, the mirror replied, “Nancy, it’s time for
your 70th facelift.”
All of a sudden, Eric Holder and Ron Howard
burst into the room.
Holder:
You’re under arrest.
Read her her rights, Opie.
To be continued