In God We Trust

Nancy Pelosi Arrests Karl Rove and Mitt Romney—A Fractured Fairy Tale

 

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com 

On July 3, 2012, Nancy Pelosi was looking in her bathroom mirror, checking her latest face-lift—number 69—for tell-tale signs of sagging.  She thought to herself, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

All of a sudden, her illegal Filipina maids, April, May, and June, came in, screaming.

April:  Ma’m, terrible news, terrible news.

Pelosi:  Calm down, triplets.  What happened?  Did Barbara Boxer or Diane Feinstein finally get face-lifts, too?  They sure needed them.  They’ve always been jealous of me. 

May:  It’s Andy Griffith, ma’m.  He died today.  He was 86.  You used to talk about him a lot, especially about when you were a guest star on his Mayberry TV show.

Pelosi:  Yes, I had a lot of fun doing that show.  It was right after my very first face-lift in 1964.  An election year.  I was still in my 40s then.  I drove into Mayberry and started flirting with some of those hot and macho North Carolina hillbillies.  Deputy Barney Fife arrested me for soliciting.  I gave him a $10,000 bribe, and he left town with Thelma Lou to party in Raleigh.  Then, Andy swore me in as Acting Deputy. 

June:  What happened when you were Deputy Sheriff of Mayberry? 

Pelosi:  Bring in your brothers, October and November, and I’ll tell you.

Twin brothers October and November enter the crowded bathroom, and Pelosi began telling her story.

Pelosi:  It was my second day on the job.  Karl Rove and Mitt Romney were both in their 20s.  They came to Mayberry to organize a rally for Barry Goldwater who was running against Lyndon Johnson.

October:  You had an affair with President Johnson, didn’t you?

Pelosi:  Yes, and I had an affair with Barry Goldwater, too.

November:  You had affairs with many politicians on both sides of the aisle, didn’t you?

Pelosi:  Yes—and once I even did it in the middle of the aisle.  That’s how I got into politics in the first place.  Their pillow-talk influenced me—I wanted to have celebrity power, too.  (Note:  This is assertive tactic 95 in Donald Hendon’s best-selling book, 365 Powerful Ways to Influence.)

April:  You’re the biggest celebrity in San Francisco.  They even changed the name of Middle Drive East to Nancy Pelosi Drive. 

Pelosi:  I tried to get them to change the name of Market Street, but I had to settle for that two-bit street in Golden Gate Park. 

May: So what happened in Mayberry?

Pelosi:  Well, Rove and Romney went to their hotel and started phoning Republicans.  They set up a rally in town at 8 pm.  Gee, they were handsome.  Still are. 

June:  Do you still get a thrill up your leg whenever you think of them, ma’m?

Pelosi:  Both legs!  Anyway, both of them were in front of Floyd’s Barber Shop, speaking to a crowd in the street.  I was in my Deputy Sheriff’s uniform, and I started using some very friendly body language to get them to notice me.  (Note:  This is Defensive tactic 16, Manipulate the other person with your body language, in 365 Powerful Ways.)

Neither one of them paid a bit of attention to me.  I thought to myself, “This face-lift doesn’t work at all.  Maybe I’ll get another one.” 

The next day, after Face-Lift Number 2, I was walking down Elm Street, and I ran into Sheriff Andy and Aunt  Bee.

Aunt Bee:  There’s something different about you, Nancy.

Pelosi:  Don’t tell anybody, but I just had a face-lift. 

Aunt Bee:  You need another one.  It’s uneven.

So I went to the beauty shop.  On my way, I saw Romney and Rove crossing the street.  I decided to arrest them for jaywalking.  I wanted them to be a captive audience—my audience.  I would flirt with them, pardon them, and then they would take me out to dinner out of gratitude.  Maybe I’d get lucky. 

Anyway, I arrested them for jaywalking and put them in jail.  I spent the next hour trying to flirt with them.  They weren’t interested in me, and I got angrier and angrier.  Just before I was going to horse-whip them, Andy came in.  He asked why I had arrested Romney and Rove.  I told him they were jaywalking.  That’s when he fired me and let them go.  Andy told me I was too power-hungry.  He said, “Give you a little power, and you want to become Hitler.”

I was broken-hearted.  But I learned from my experience.  Once I became the Hitler of the House…I mean Speaker of the House…I could do anything.  I passed laws just for the hell of it—I figured, “What the hell, you’ve got to pass the law first in order to find out what’s in it.” 

October:  Did you ever meet Romney and Rove later?

Pelosi:  Yes.  After I became Speaker of the House, I tried to lure both of them into the Capitol in Washington so that I could arrest them again.

November:  Did you ever do it?  Did you ever arrest them?

Pelosi:  No, those two guys are too tricky.  They never stepped foot in the Capitol Building after I became Speaker.  They were afraid of me.

All of  Pelosi’s five Filipino servants had the same thought at the same time:  They weren’t afraid of you.  They were afraid of your face-lift.  And of your Hitler moustache—it still shows through, even after all that bleach!

After the story, the servants left Pelosi alone in her bathroom.  Once again, she looked at herself in the mirror and said “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

This time, the mirror replied, “Nancy, it’s time for your 70th facelift.” 

All of a sudden, Eric Holder and Ron Howard  burst into the room.

Holder:  You’re under arrest.  Read her her rights, Opie.

To be continued

 Copyright (c) 2012 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon


 

 In Dr. Donald W. Hendon's book, 365 Powerful Ways to Influence, you learn to use 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24 cooperative tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81 dirty tricks to get what you want from other people—plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them.  There are many political examples.  Learn more about his book at www.donaldhendon.com.  Download Chapter 1 there, free of charge.  And watch for his latest book, co-authored by Jay Conrad Levinson.  Titled Guerrilla Deal-Making, It contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways.  It’s available for pre-order right now at Amazon.com.