In God We Trust

Michelle Obama Dreams About Bathhouses in Chicago—A Fractured Fairy Tale

 

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

Late one night, Obama and Michelle were pigging out with a couple of buckets of Chick-Fil-A. They both fell asleep, each one cuddling their own bucket. 

Here’s Michelle’s dream:

She and Obama were in bed eating bucket after bucket of Chick-Fil-A. They started talking about the good old days in Chicago.

Obama: I really miss going to my favorite bathhouses and gay bars. I used to be able to do this before I got into politics and nobody would recognize me. I can’t do that anymore. If people find out I’m gay, I won’t win in November.

Michelle: You had the Secret Service build you a replica of the Choomobile you had in Honolulu where you and your gang went to get high. Now whenever you want to get really, really high, you go to Camp David and smoke a few joints with your buddies in that old beat-up VW Bus. Why don’t you have them build a replica of your favorite bathhouse, “Man’s Country” at Camp David, too?

Obama: It just wouldn’t be the same, Michelle. I loved walking up and down North Clark Street and North Halstead Street in the Boystown and Andersonville Districts. What memories! Not just Man’s Country, but also Steamworks. The Sweat Lodge on Cicero. And what’s the name of that bathhouse that closed down?

Michelle: Man’s World?

Obama: Yeah, I hear they tore it down and put up condos instead. What a shame! That was my favorite. I liked it even better than that really big one, the East Bank Club near the Merchandise Mart. I wonder if my membership is still active there.

Michelle decides to surprise her husband. She orders the Secret Service to build a replica of Man’s World, the one that closed down. She got old photos of it and gave it to the builders.

A few weeks later, when it’s finished, she inspects it. She’s pleasantly surprised that there are plaques on some of the doors that say “Presidential Suite” and “Oral Office,” just like in the original Man’s World in Chicago. She thinks to herself, “I think I’ll invite Barney Frank and his new wife, Jim Ready.  Or is it his new husband? I’m never sure about good old Barney.”

She starts making a list of some of her husband’s other gay buddies. She decides to invite Reggie Love, who used to be her husband’s special assistant and personal aide. She thinks to herself, “Barack used to call Reggie his special-weshul Body Man. And he really was! Who else? Rahm Emmanuel, of course! And I can’t forget Kal Penn. He was so good in those Harold and Kumar movies and in that TV show, How I Met Your Mother. Barack gave him a job as Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Engagement. I laughed so hard when he said it wasn’t the office of Public engagement—it was the office of Pubic engagement.”

She thinks to herself, “I can’t just invite 5 guys, though. I think I’ll call Jeremiah Wright on the phone to get more names.” So she gets on the phone.

Michelle: Hey, Jerry, this is Barack’s beard, Michelle. I’m so grateful that you introduced Barack and me through your Down-Low Club that we’re pulling you back out from under the bus. But only if you’ll do me a favor.

Special note to readers: According to Kevin DuJan, the term beard refers to a caustic black woman who marries a gay black man who wants to hide his homosexuality (stay down-low, in other words.) It’s a marriage of convenience. Go to Hillbuzz.org for more information.

Wright: What’s the favor?

Michelle: Tell me the names of some of the other gay guys you married to other beards like me? We want to invite them to the grand re-opening of Man’s World Bathhouse. We’re building a replica at Camp David, right next to the Choomobile. And we want you to attend, too, even though you’re not gay. And we only want the guys, not their beards. This is a gay guy-only event.

Wright: Let me think about it. I don’t want to invade their privacy.

Michelle: What’s there to think about? Members of your Down-Low Club would love a chance to rub elbows—and other bodily parts—with the world’s biggest celebrity, my husband.

Wright: I said let me think about it. And don’t call me, I’ll call you.

He hangs up on her. This makes her mad. She thinks to herself, “Nobody ever hangs up on Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama and gets away with it.”

As she is planning her revenge on poor Jeremiah Wright, the ghost of Liberace appears. He says in a sinisterly sweet voice, “Why don’t you hold monthly events at my museum in Las Vegas? It’s really my old house, on East Tropicana Avenue, a couple of miles from the Strip. I’ll help you plan each event. There are a lot of gay guys in show business, not just Kal Penn. I can get all of them to come.” 

Michelle: I’ll just bet you can!  

Liberace: Yeah, I’ve had lots of experience in doing that.

Michelle: I don’t want gay ghosts—forget about showing up with Rock Hudson, Montgomery Clift, Tyrone Power, and all that bunch. Nobody today remembers them, anyway. I want real live gay movie stars, like Neil Patrick Harris. And they gotta be guys. I don’t want Rosie O’Donnell or Ellen Degeneres to show up.

Liberace: I’ll see what I can do.

What will Liberace's ghost do? To be continued…

Copyright (c) 2012 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon



In Dr. Donald W. Hendon's book, 365 Powerful Ways to Influence, you learn to use 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24 cooperative tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81 dirty tricks to get what you want from other people—plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them.  There are many political examples.  Learn more about his book at www.donaldhendon.com.  Download Chapter 1 there, free of charge.  And watch for his latest book, co-authored by Jay Conrad Levinson.  Titled Guerrilla Deal-Making, It contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways.  It’s available for pre-order right now at Amazon.com.