In God We Trust

Jeremiah Wright Says “Vote for Romney”—A Fractured Fairy Tale

 

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

Jeremiah Wright and his wife Ramah go to bed.  He can’t sleep.  He begins crying. 

Ramah:  What’s the matter, honey?

Jeremiah:  As soon as my God Damn America! videos started appearing on TV, that bastard Obama threw me under the bus.  Jesse Jackson has been to the White House a dozen times.  And every time he calls Obama, Obama talks to him.  Every time I call, the operators say “Jeremiah who?” and then hang up immediately.  The only time I talked to him after he got nominated, he told me I embarrassed him.  He didn’t care about the 20 years of advice I gave him and my congregation from the pulpit every Sunday.  My sermons helped him get elected—a lot more than Saul Alinsky’s book, Rules for Radicals, helped him.  He even stole the name of his book from one of my sermons!  Well, God Damn Obama!

Ramah:  You’ve got a right to be angry, baby.  After all, you married him and Michelle, and you even baptized him and his children.  But that happened a long time ago.  He’s never going to repay your kindness—he’s just an opportunistic ungrateful bastard.  Let it go.  You’ve been crying yourself to sleep every night.  Obama’s not worth it.

Jeremiah:  I’m trying.  But it still hurts.  The ideas in my sermons helped get him elected.  I should be basking in his glory. 

Ramah:  You can always sneak into the White House.  After all, those two party-crashers, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, did, back in 2009.  How hard can it be?  Go to sleep, baby.  And please don’t cry anymore.  You’ve been crying yourself to sleep every night for three years now!

 

Jeremiah:  I can’t sneak in.  That guy’s paranoid!  You know what he did a few days ago in Orlando when he spoke at the lunch meeting of the National Association of Latino Elected Officials?

Ramah:  No.  What?

Jeremiah:  The Secret Service made sure the audience didn’t have butter knives.  And as soon as they finished eating, the Secret Service took away their forks! 

Ramah:  I guess he thought the Mexicans were going to attack him.

Jeremiah:  I wish I could attack him!  I’d use something better than a fork! 

Eventually, both of them fall asleep.  But Jeremiah’s sleep is a disturbed one.  He dreams that the ghost of Richard Nixon came to his office at Trinity United Church of Christ. 

Nixon:  Poor Jeremiah!  You’re an outsider now.  I know how you feel.  After I had to resign the Presidency, I was an outsider for many years.  It hurts.  It hurts bad! 

Jeremiah:  I’m tired of hurting.  What can I do?

Nixon:  I’ve got an idea or two.  They didn’t call me Tricky Dick for nothing.  It will be hard, though.  Most of the media glorify Obama.  Chris Matthews over at MSNBC doesn’t just have  a thrill up his leg when he hears Obama’s voice—he has an orgasm! 

Jeremiah:  Yeah, and when Obama went to New Hampshire this week, his fans waited for him in a pouring rain.  National Public Radio said that as soon as Obama began speaking, the rain stopped and sunshine peeked through the clouds.  It said, “See what his voice does?  It clears up the economy, creates jobs, helps education—and even straightens out the weather!” 

Nixon:  Yeah, he’s a bigger celebrity than I ever was.  Here’s what you should do.  Buy a copy of Saul Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals.  Pay special attention to this:  Create controversy. 

All of a sudden, the ghost of Saul Alinsky comes into the office. 

Alinksy:  Nixon’s right.  But my book isn’t enough.  Get yourself a copy of the Book of Mormon. 

Jeremiah:  What for?  I know Mitt Romney’s a moron.  Er, I mean a Mormon.  But I’ll never become a Mormon.

Alinsky:  You can use it to create controversy.  Just like Nixon said.

Nixon:  I’ll bet I know what you’re thinking, Saul.  The White Horse Prophecy, right?

Alinsky:  Right!

The next morning, Jeremiah wakes up and starts reading his copy of the Book of Mormon.  He gives up and googles “The White Horse Prophecy” instead.  Here’s what he found out:

“The Constitution of the U.S. will be almost destroyed. It will hang like a thread as fine as a silk fiber.  When that happens, it will be saved by the efforts of the White Horse who comes from the Rocky Mountains.”

Jeremiah thinks to himself:  Obama has attacked the Constitution.  He has broken it many times during the last three years.  I’ll bet he’s going to declare himself Emperor on his birthday on August 4.  The White Horse from the Rocky Mountains is probably Mitt Romney.  He’s a Mormon and there are a lot of Mormons in Utah, which is pretty close to the Rocky Mountains.  But he was governor of Massachusetts.  I’d better find out where he was born.

Jeremiah googles Mitt Romney and finds he was born in Detroit.

Jeremiah thinks to himself:  Close enough.  I know what I’m going to say next Sunday at my sermon.

Here’s part of his sermon on Sunday July 1: 

Obama is evil.  He broke the law many times in Chicago, and now he’s breaking the law in Washington.  I think he wants to destroy the Constitution and declare himself Emperor.  He may even be the antichrist himself. 

And so I want all of my friends here in Church today to vote for Mitt Romney.  The Book of Mormon says the Constitution, which was inspired by God Himself, will be saved by the efforts of the White Horse from the Rocky Mountains.  Save America—vote for Romney!

Half of the congregation applauds.  The other half boos.  Jeremiah Wright didn’t get his wish, though.  Although he was in all the papers the next day, he never heard from Obama again. 

The end…or is it?

Copyright (c) 2012 by Dr. Donald W. Hendon



In Dr. Donald W. Hendon's book, 365 Powerful Ways to Influence, you learn to use 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24 cooperative tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81 dirty tricks to get what you want from other people—plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them.  There are many political examples.  Learn more about his book at www.donaldhendon.com.  And watch for his latest book, co-authored by Jay Conrad Levinson.  Titled Guerrilla Deal-Making, It contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways.  It’s available for pre-order now at Amazon.com.